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August 21, 2019

Hello and welcome to the party everyone! It's time now to discuss a topic that I'm sure is foremost on your minds!

All About Driving In Winnipeg!

Driving around in Stabtown is a special and rewarding experience that the Pope and The Duke should do all the time and enjoy heartily. This of course would only occur if they're under the influence of heavy drugs. Actually if they're on drugs they shouldn't operate motor vehicles. Hey kids: don't drug and drive.

Okay, the point I was getting at before derailing myself horribly is that driving in Winnipeg is not a recommended course of action if you know what's good for you. It's not ridiculously hectic and painful like Toronto or insanely gridlocked and covered with car chases like L.A., but instead sucks ass on its own merits. Allow me to elaborate.

The first thing about driving in Winnipeg is Winnipeg's drivers. Most of them are bloody awful. For instance, everybody seems to drive and pass in whatever lane they feel like. An added feature of this behaviour is that sometimes people drive at the same speed in all the lanes, side-by-side. What speed are they driving at? Turns out it's always "slow". There's no reason for this; they're just stupid.

Sometimes people actually stick to the right lane. Unfortunately this is usually when a merge lane is feeding into the road. Thus, naturally the habit Winnipeg drivers have developed to merge into traffic is to SLOW DOWN. A LOT. NO SIR I DON'T MIND YOU SLOWING DOWN WHILE I'M TRYING TO MERGE. PLEASE TAKE YOUR TIME. My one friend actually stopped completely at the bottom of a feeder ramp, which I'm sure was fun for all.

While everybody's driving around like a goddamn moron, the very roads they're driving on are a whole other bucket of very stupid fish. For instance, take Pembina "Highway," the main road from the southern suburbs to the middle of the city. Pembina is the kind of highway that has a 60 km/h speed limit, and lots of stop lights, and pedestrian crossings, and allows parking in the outer lane.... and A RED LOBSTER!!!

Okay, I don't mind the Red Lobster so much, other than the food being crap, but the rest of that stuff makes Pembina seem less like a highway and more like a REALLY SLOW ROAD.

One fun thing the fatcats at City Hall like to do is combine forward arrows and stop lights. i.e. STOP! Unless you want to go, which is ok. But you can only go forward, k? Thank God for that stop light or I might get confused and fly, and nobody wants that to happen, except for me because I could drop my waste on all of you. Haha!

Mmmmmm, loopy

What you see above in glorious baby blue is the Perimeter Highway. This time, the city planners got the "highway" part of highway right by letting you drive really fast on it with a minimum of stopping. By some fluke of luck they also got the "perimeter" part right as it circles most of the city. You may wonder what the point of a highway that lets you drive in a huge circle around the place, but you're obviously no highway designer type person. Clearly the idea is to let people quickly get from one part of the city to another. Problem is, as you can tell from the map most of the highway is shitty far from most areas of Winnipeg, and trust me when I say that the parts it does pass through are no funtime joy party. The thing doesn't even come near the International Airport for fuck's sake! Now, why would someone spend huge amounts on a highway that's pretty much useless to most inhabitants of the city?

Ohhhh, THAT makes sense! Kudos!

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