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August 21, 2019

Oh, That Zany Winnipeg!

As someone who was born and raised in Manitoba's capital, and is currently in the middle of two weeks in this hellhole, I thought it would be a good idea to catalogue some of the interesting fun facts one encounters around here. Fortunately Winnipeg is pretty messed up, or this would be a pretty boring update, like that sad ass E/N site,

The centre of excitement
First things first, let's start with some excitement! Here you see Portage Avenue, the main street in downtown Winnipeg (as opposed to Main Street, which is just really dangerous). Usually it's your run of the mill city street, but on Sunday nights car buffs turn out in droves to drive up and down it. That's right! Vroom vroom! Let's drive up and down a street! Yeah! Wooo! THE FUN IS A NEVER ENDING REFRESHING ENEMA IN WINNIPEG! Since I was all lazy you'll have to imagine six lanes full of morons puttering around at 5 kph with no particular place to go, with some very impressed hookers on the sidewalks. There you go.

You'll have to extrapolate the crazyness from this pic as I am a piss poor photographer.
Moving on, here's Confusion Corner, the meeting place of four streets and three bus stops, all of which have their own shack. Apparently this "intersection" has the most signage per square meter than anywhere else in North America. When you live here getting around this area becomes second nature, but may God have mercy on dirty foreigners. Allegedly there is a group of Spainish colonists lost in there somewhere. Take a look at this actual sign the city put up:

Not pictured: tourists with exploded heads

Yeah, that clears everything up. Thanks, Winnipeg! Helpfully, this thing is located at the least confusing part of Confusion Corner. Thanks, Winnipeg!

Chancellor and Chancellor?  What maddness is this???

While I'm on the subject of fucked up road layouts, here's the sign from Chancellor and Chancellor, the intersection of a street that runs a mighty loop before it hits itself. I'm sure this seemed like a good idea back when free range hippies were drawing out maps with severed children's fingers, but amazingly enough this has confused a few people. There's nothing like missing the bus because the driver turned down the wrong Chancellor! Haha!

Square, brown and scholarly!
Here's my high school, good old Vincent Massey Collegiate. Ah, those were the days. Yep, this was where my fragile young mind was molded into the rugged leathery penis-shaped sculpture it is today. Vincent Massey: Where The Magic Happens.

Where MORE magic happens!
And what's this across the street? Why, it's a pornography store! Dealing in fine pornographables! Yep, that there store is chock full of everything your filthy little heart desires. There's a term we should use for this:

It's ok by me!
And now we move to the wacky establishment portion of our funtime happy exposition, with the oddly named "Chinada." What does Chinada mean? Is it an ancient code word meaning "Good lobster in here"? It is a new SUV? Does that sign clearly say that it's a restaurant? It is a mystery.

You have no chance make your time!
I'd have to say the single greatest surprise awaiting me when I got home, aside from the fact that Justin Timberlake has a solo album out, was that there is now an All Your Base Cafe. The sign on it doesn't fuck around either. Network gaming. Anime. X-Box. It's a vat of concentrated geek. I mean, seriously, do you see any windows? Naming your cafe after a flash in the pan web joke is the kind of business sense that makes investors in Winnipeg say, "Here, have some of my money. And, hey, while you're up, why not cornhole me? C'mon, I'm lubed!"

A fine establishment
While I was away somebody turned the old Chuck E. Cheese into Coyotes, a night club that should probably have been called Cougars. However, whoever owns this place is a savvy individual indeed, as they clearly know their demographic, since big animated neon signs rake in the crusty old bitches like a net. What a gorgeous building.

Incidently, doesn't it look like this coyote is shitting bushes? AWOOOOOOOO!

Anyway, that's about all the zany crap about Winnipeg I bothered to cobble together. Maybe someday I'll find a way to explain the horrendous driving, strange liquor laws, and obsession with slurpees. But that's for another day.

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