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August 21, 2019

The History of WCRI

I understand this man moved to Russia and did something interesting.  Maybe he invented fuzzy hats.
Promoter and sex-bomb
John W. Peterborough III
The co-operative residence I live in, WCRI has a long and storied history. Founded originally in 1823 as a means to escape persecution by Native-rights groups, the We Can Rassle Injuns group quickly became a hub for white man-injun death matches. Then based in Northern Ontario the WCRI brand of Canadian Violence was a welcome respite from all the animal humping that happened back in those days. The spectacle of violent racial conflict could only hold the interest of the public for so long, however, and popularity waned as new and wimpier minorities were found to oppress.

Founder John W. Peterborough III saw the faltering popularity of his promotion and decided it was best to move on. Renaming the company to World Class Rectal Inspections, Peterborough set up shop in a small village close to Toronto. For a small fee, vistors were able to have their colons inspected by trained professionals, and, for a nominal additional charge, experience a mind-blowing orgasm. The business of anal probing and sodomizing proved to be less profitable than could have been hoped, and Peterborough soon had to sell his assests to a small collective of opium dealers. They changed the name to Wacky Crazy Reefer Inside, which was strange because pot wasn't popular yet, however everyone was too high to notice and business was good.

Your mouse is here because I am sexy.
Captain Rochdale in
one of his "Free
my body" moments.
During The Great War (which followed the Fairly Awesome War) drug sales took a hit as junkies instead opted to get hot lead injections. During the fallow times of the Great Depression (which preceded the Rad Sweet Kickass Bitchin' Depression) WCRI was seized by the government and turned into a shelter for the homeless and the mentally unstable. During this time it came to be known as We Crazy Rascals Itch, which was the name given to it by the residents. As time went on, the residents became more organized, and eventually overthrew the staff, claiming WCRI for their own. One particular lunatic, Captian Rochdale managed to rally the drooling masses to his own insane cause. His cause was no less than total world domination, starting with the Kitchener-Waterloo area. His methods were refined post-WWII, as he cleverly disguised his Power to Me agenda as a Communist Power to the People scheme. Using his "co-operative" methodology, he subtlely worked his way into positions of power while avoiding the media storm surrounding "the Red Scare".

In the 60's Rochdale found himself the victim of a coup, as he was tossed out of control by a group of hippy students. At first content to spread peace and harmony and make granola, they soon became corrupt and renewed the quest for power. Renaming to Waterloo Co-operative Residences, Inc., the Board of insane commie hippies used their power to stamp out all who were foolish enough to oppose them. Using dirty money from peyote-laced granola and old-fashioned hippy muscle, WCRI secured a foothold in Hollywood, securing the location rights to Cheers: The Movie. Upon arrival, Ted Danson was not at all upset that student-run co-operative did not mean it was run by young unsupervised children but rather out of shape hippy college students, and in fact production was scrapped for reasons beyond this. With the failure of the movie, WCRI shifted focus to slum housing.

We'll fuck your shit up, man.
Evil hippy slum lords.
Providing housing for students was lucrative business, as they were typically so grateful for a room at all that they didn't mind being stuffed into 4 foot square rooms with no windows or furniture. Further, to save money residents were forced to perform work duties around the premises, which were mostly grim death camps designed to thin the crowd during the school year so that WCRI would have to spend less on feeding their tenants. After a few years they built apartement complexes, known as Death Trap A, Death Trap B and AsbestosVille. To this day the Board of WCRI is still gouging and possibly raking the residents of their establishments.

You may wonder, how is it that I can associate with a gang of thug hippy scum that values human life far less than money? Well, the answer is simple: kick ass barbques.

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