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May 24, 2017



The Think Tank Mandate

When a small group of assorted university students informed me that they were forming a think tank I'll admit I was a bit skeptical. After all, these people get their kicks by breaking, or attempting to break, beer bottles over their own heads. However when they explained their mandate I realized that I had stumbled upon possibly the greatest collection of smart dudes since Socrates hung around in a dress talking about some other old dude.

Their mandate was stated as follows: "To solve any problem presented to them, with the provisio that the solution somehow involve girls kissing."

Clearly, this think tank had already done 95% of the thinking required. While solving the problems of the world they somehow managed to open new doors into sexy lesbian adventure.


The Problem: It's a well known fact that due to file sharing and really bad music the recording industry is in a bit of a slump in terms of sales. How can this situation be rectified?

The Solution: The Think Tank was clearly impressed with the depth of this question. I suspect they had been waiting for just this question for ages. In fact, I could tell they wished Metallica had asked them, however Metallica likes to get answers related to guys making out. At any rate, there was no hesitation as they began...

"Well, you get two girls..."

The course of action that issued forth from their mouths was like a sweet honeysuckle jam spread on tasty candy-like bread that tastes good. They carefully explained to me that the music industry works like the novelty condom industry; if the goods aren't something you're willing to consume, people are just going to steal them and cover their penises with them.

"So then how do you propose fixing the hole in this curious methaphorical wacky rubber industry?" I asked.

With wizened eyes and a mouth that has tasted much battered codfish, the one I like to refer to as 'Old Slappy' answered, "Listen to what we're tryin' ta tell ya, youngin'! If'n ye want ta sell more music ya gotta make music people want ta lissin' ta!"

"You mean... if you stop making total crap... people will be willing to pay for it!"

"Arrrgh! Tha's what I've been tryin' ta say, ya whippersnapper!"

"Dude, you're like, 22..."

"Arrr..." He returned to his drink. However, another member of the Tank stepped up to put the final touch on this plan.

"To make the world's most beautiful music you need the world's most beautiful thing: girls making out."

It turned out, to make the world's best music, all you have to do is play all your music for two girls making out. This will, quite naturally, make it the BEST MUSIC EVER. No question."

Once again I staggered away from the gathering dumbfounded and amazed and a little bit groggy but nothing that two girls making out couldn't fix. Oh, here's an artist's conception:

Beautiful music is made

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