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August 21, 2017

Metallica - St. Anger
It's a FIST!  And it's ANGRY!
Few albums have been more anticipated with pants a throbbin' than the latest release from Metallica. Why, even as I write this my crotch is pulsing like some horrible beast itching to be let out to devour you all. Quite frankly, it's a scary and dangerous situation, and I only hope I survive the experience to tell the tale to my future grandchildren. But enough about my raging penis.

St. Anger came crashing out of the gates earlier than originally planned due to massive online piracy, which I totally thought Lars Ulrich stopped that but oh well. Crash out of the gates it did as each track is about 40 hours of bone crushing speed thrash, with not a single faggy guitar solo to be found. And let me say that it's about time that Metallica got rid of those solos, because I really hate when huge epic ballads about death are interrupted by that arty jazz shit.

Is this a Queen concert?
People spend a lot of time picking on Lars, that goddamn little toad, but the band member they should really be picking on is Kirk, and, in their spare time, Lars. maybe it's the bad teen mustache or the leather pants or the piroette, but it appears that a child molestor is playing lead guitar in a heavy metal band. Everybody knows that child molestors LISTEN to heavy metal, not play it. Hell, you could switch Kirk with equally dirty band member Kevin from the Backstreet Boys and nobody would notice until Enter Sandman sounded like a slow jam. Not because Kevin plays guitar like a sissy, mind you; the man rocks out with his cock out. It's just that James Hetfield thinks Kevin is dreamy and will slow things down in hopes that he'll open his shirt and sing in the rain.

I'd like to take a moment to reply to all hate mail regarding this review in the style of a Metallica fan:

deer METALLICA fan,

tank u 4 teh emale u hav send me
i apriciat ur words but u shud no dat james loves men n kirk plays lik teh fag

j/k they ALL lik boyz!!!

thx4writing,
ECG

P.S. u r also fag

At this point, in a brilliant display of true ECG DOT COM journalistic integrity, I will make a few comments on every song on the album, despite the fact that I've actually only heard a few seconds of the thing. Some might question how I could possibly be qualified to review something I've never heard, but those people have obviously never read one of my music reviews. Without further ado, I give you the skinny on St. Anger:

Frantic - Blows Load out of the water in every way. Actually it doesn't, I just wanted to talk about blowing Load. What a shitheap.

St. Anger - This nine day audio sojurn into the sensitive regions of the soul tells the tale of John Paul Augustus Anger and his journeys on the way to becoming the Saint of ROCKING OUT. In true artistic fashion the band pauses during the fourth day to eat fish, as it is Friday at that point.

Some Kind of Monster - Once again the LES makes an appearance on a metal album, her exploits as a highly infectious groupie swiftly becoming the stuff of legend. This track details the grim night that Jason Newstead became wedged in her ankle cleavage, never to be seen again.

Dirty Window - Lars' technological savvy once again becomes apparent on this track as the band spends sixteen months detailing their frustrations with MicroSoft's flagship product and making the switch to Linux. Sadly, they install the wrong kernel and the tale becomes one of horrible tragedy. So sad.

Invisible Kid - Ninety-two hours of the sounds of the band walking around, tripping, falling to the ground and a foul-mouthed little boy shouting, "Fuck! Watch where you're going, asshole!" A little avant garde, but I think I like it.

My World - A collaboration with Limp Bizkit's Fred Durst, this song really sets new standards as James bellows, "It's my world!" in a wacky voice while a record scratches in the background. It's all fun and games until you imagine Kirk dancing around to it in his little leather pants. Oh, the horror.

Shoot Me Again - It's grunge meets Vaudeville as Lars plays the harpsichord for the entire song, with a six hour softshoe solo by whoever they replaced Jason Newstead with. I thought the bugle was a little out of place, but it's nice to see the band branching out.

Sweet Amber - This song blows ass.

Unnamed Feeling - At first I thought Kirk penned a tune about molesting newborns, however once I pretended to give it a listen it turns out that this song is all about how Lars was actually the guy inside the Barney suit. The man loves children, folks, and not like that sick fucker Kirk.

Purify - Metallica at it's best, with hard riffs, powerful lyrics and a fast pace... is what I would be saying about this song if it didn't sound like Boyz 2 Men picked up some instruments.

All Within My Hands - As the third song whose title refers to the writer in the first person, this tune finally works out the last demons of the extraordinarily rich and famous people who crafted it, and then probably partied hard. In case you're wondering what's all within their hands it rhymes with "a shitload of cash".

In conclusion this album is awesome and everybody should buy it three times.

Davin says:
I used to play bass in this band!
I downloaded St. Anger and it sucked my ass!