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October 17, 2017

Forgotten Classic Game Review:
RoboFight

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Video games and the movies go together like stink and hooker. This is how things have been done since the early days when Professor R. Q. Pong used his vast porno empire to make the world's first adult video game, Pong. That shit was hot. At any rate, sometimes this link can go too far. This was the case when Nintendo, in an effort to capitalize on popular chick-flick RoboCop stuck the title character in new versions of several classic titles.

Perhaps one of the oddest games in the early Nintendo days was Balloon Fight, a simple arcade title where your character floats around using balloons attached to his helmet, attempting to pop enemy balloons and then kick them into the ocean. Simple, fun, mind-numbingly repetitive. All hallmarks of sucessful classic Nintendo arcade games. So it seems odd that they chose this title to apply the vaunted RoboCop license. The treasure of OCP's crime fighting division seems decidedly out of place in a light-hearted balloon-popping romp. Maybe they were trying to clean up the property for the kids.

I dream of flight!
I'm not sure if those balloons will have their desired effect.
I think the first, obvious thing about trying to float RoboCop using only two balloons attached to his helmet is that he's quite heavy. No matter how jaunty those balloons are, I just don't see Murphy going anywhere. The designers of this game thought of this too, because he doesn't go anywhere. RoboCop is a gritty movie, and by not allowing him to freely frollick in the skies like the other cartoons they've made this a gritty game. I applaud and enjoy this artistic decision.

You still die if all your balloons are popped. I'm not sure why. Maybe RoboCop's sense of whimsy is injured. It's not too big a deal because a retard with a Genesis controller could keep the enemies at bay. Why? RoboCop, true to popular legend, has a GUN. When your enemies' best attack is a pair of cleats and a canister of hydrogen they don't stand much of a chance when faced with a badass fully automatic handgun. This being a Nintendo game, said gun only fires flowers, but they're treatening flowers, so it's ok.

OWNED
The local fish have a taste for half human / half machine supercop. Most of the time they have to settle. Not today, though.
The player two position lets you take control of plucky Officer Lewis, RoboCop's partner. Yessir.

One hazard from Balloon Fight that's still hazardous is the giant pirhana in the water. I'm not sure what kind of pleasure or nourishment a giant fish can get out of eating a cyborg, but if you wander too close to the water he'll gobble you right up! That's adventure! I'm so glad we have this time together.

RoboCop doing what he does best.
Guns make everything easier. This game still isn't any fun.
Let's rate things arbitrarily, shall we?

Graphics: I can only say so many things about these moving pictures, suffice it to say that the twinkling stars in the background definitely remind me of actual stars. Also, all the red balloons are clearly red. You can't ask for any more than that! A

Sound: I was truly surprised to hear the throbbing Nu Metal soundtrack in a game that came out years before Fred Durst invented it. I personally think that Fred Durst is so talented and creative that his skill trancended space and time, finding it's way into a Japanese programmer's brain, thrashing out these lovely tunes before turning into a sizable tumor. F

Gameplay: When I sleep at night I dream that I'm still at the responsive controls of this game. Thankfully, the responsive controls feel exactly like my crotch. Man, this is a good game. Monkey Pie

Sex: There isn't a whole lot of sex in the single player game, however when you go two player and hook up with Officer Lewis... well let's just say that we see the famed pneumatic RoboPenis in well-oiled action. Ha-cha-cha! C

Overall: Don't buy this game unless you need it for a scavenger hunt, and even then make sure you really need the points before pulling the trigger. Yea, verily, RoboFight shall change thee. Thumbs

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