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August 21, 2019

Forgotten Classic Game Review:

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In today's world of exciting games that let you pretend to be a human being who lives in a house and flashy arcade machines you can have sex with we often forget about the golden gaming age that was our youth. I am of course assuming that all readers of this article fit into the early-to-mid-20's demographic I strive so hard to attract, and thus remember when the NES was king.

Back when Nintendo was the only game in town you had a Nintendo Entertainment System or you had syphilis. They made games about everything for this thing: if the game didn't feature amorphous blobs performing random tasks it probably had some guy punching things until they blink out of existence. A big part of Nintendo's global blanket of video game domination was the fact that they'd turn out a game for every movie ever. No exception to this was RoboCop, an extremely gory movie by any measure, but that didn't stop it from getting a game for kids.

Get ready for gory adventure!
Here we see our hero moments before the start of this exciting race. He looks a little out of place at first, but you get used to it.
What most people forget about is the fact that Data East and Nintendo knew how huge the RoboCop name was, and milked it for every penny. Hardly anyone remembers these games anymore, but they're out there, and I am glad to say that I got my hands on a copy of one of these tie-in games: RoboBike.

RoboBike was a unique, if lazy tie-in between the RoboCop universe and Nintendo's own classic title, Excitebike. Finally, the zany adventure of incredibly repetitive motocross meets the lethal combo of flesh and steel that is Officer Murphy. Right away you notice that the designers made an odd decision by not giving the big guy his own bike. It seems a little curious that they'd make bike a racing game and not give you a bike, but I guess they figured a machine's a machine. Sadly, this RoboCop is true to fictional life, as he walks along at an agonizing pace, like a bad mime (aka a mime).

This is.... trouble.
A big advantage in this game over other racing games is that you have a gun and your opponents don't. Thus it's really easy to wail away on them when they pass you. The disadvantage is that no matter how many times you smoke them they just get back on their bike and zoom off.
All the mechanics of the game are exactly the same as Excitebike: you have to complete the race in as little time as possible, and you have two speeds: go and go fast. If you go fast too long you overheat, smoke pouring out of your shiny metal crotch until you cool down. Periodically there are ramps and patches of mud, neither of which make a lot of sense in this game since you're freaking waling.

You can choose to race with a bunch of computer-controlled bikers, who, being on bikes, will lap you many, many times. Fortunately you're RoboCop and can cap their punk asses with your giant semi automatic. Speaking of which, if the future of law enforcement means cops can blow away anyone they want at will I'd better get in my crime now, because RoboCop is a big proponent of capital punishment. But I digress. Shooting the other bikers causes a spectacular crash, but, sadly unlike the movie, their penises don't blow up in a technicolor spray. Instead they hoof their little bodies back onto their rides again and again to continue the lapping extravaganza.

Some key parts of RoboCop culture are missing from this game, such as the ED-209 which is by far the greatest giant robot named ED not appearing in this game. Also, there's no Cobra Assault Cannon, the very gun my friends and I would pretend we had when shooting the shit out of each other with our sissy little Glocks. Also, the main bad guy from the movie, who I think was also named Ed fails to appear in the game, eliminating any possibility of seeing the classic line, "Ed(?) you're fired!" "Thank you, sir." and then RAT-TAT-TAT, yo! CRASH! MCBAAAAAIINNN! SPLAT!

Little RoboHelp here?
RoboCop isn't built very well for ramps.
And now I rate this game based on standard criteria for a game review.

Graphics: Everything that ever appeared on the NES was hot, sassy and hot, and this game is no exception. From the stunning opening sequence to the crotch-stiffening closing moments every digital pixel of this visual masterpiece deserves its own Emmy or Oscar or whatever. Sweet Lord Regis, this game sets the standard for everything ever. B-

Sound: Despite being on a system owned primarily by kids and sad, lonely men the developers certainly managed to get a lot of high quality swear words into the soundtrack. I'd have to say that my favourite part was when one guy crashed into RoboCop and bounced down the track screaming, "CUUUUUUUUNNNNT". C++

Gameplay: All the fun of being RoboCop in a bike race is recreated with all the accuracy humanly possible. However I happen to know that this game was programmed by superhuman wizards, and thus hold it to a higher standard. Thus I must mention that I'm disappointed by the lack of RoboCop's spike interface which is so obviously a giant knife. That thing was so rad, man. SNIKT!Y-

Sex: Robo's shiny metal butt is looking perky, but the real star of this game in the blue motorcyclist. There's something about baby blue racing leathers that makes a fellow randy. Randy, I say! A

Overall: This strange game is a rare treat, and well worth the four thousand dollars it costs on eBay. I have to say that all seven minutes I played it are easily on my top ten list of best ten minutes ever. 34%

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