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August 21, 2019

R. Kelly - R. Kelly
Feast your eyes upon my sweaty groin.
Recently R & B superstar and troubled poet R. Kelly has come under public scrutiny after a half-hour videotape was found of him having sex with an underaged girl. Now, I'm not about to judge his behaviour; my luddite policies disagree with his decision to use a camcorder, however I am here to review an album. I take album reviewing very seriously, and if I'd ever actually listened to this album I'd put together a very well thought out and well-written disposition on the merits of Mr. Kelly's music. Instead I've decided to get to know the child-fucking freak behind the music, and have somehow obtained an exclusive interview with him. And it seems he's brought a friend.

Hello, elcyberGoth! It's nice to be here!
It's great to have you here! I'm not complaining, but why did you bring talented actor and totally normal grown man Ted Danson along?
Oh, I can answer that. You see we're both going to the same club and he's giving me a ride.
Fair enough. Well let's get started. R., I can call you R., right? R., you chose to name this album "R. Kelly" and then you named another album "R." What part of your artistic vision does this represent?
Well, it's important for an artist to create based on what I know. What I know is R. The life of R. The feelings of R. I know what R. eats, I know what R. thinks, I know what R. wants.
Well, you ARE R., of course you do, but does this really justify using millions of the record companies dollars to market this to a bunch of people who aren't R.?
If I can step in here, what R. is getting to is that when you portray a certain image, you become that image, and people want to see more of such a unique and vibrant character. Did you know that a lot of people still see me as Sam "Mayday" Malone? I think when people associate you with an image, it's your duty to present that image to the world.
Well, ask Wil Wheaton about that. A-hahahaha!
Anyway, R., you've been busted pretty bad on this child molesting thing, haven't you? I mean, wow, you really got hammered.
Well, I dunno about that, I mean, someone obviously doctored the film to set me up.
Somebody doctored a half hour of footage? Do you have any idea how much work that is?
Hey man, it's crazy what they can do these days. I once saw this picture on the Internet of this guy and this girl, and somebody made the girl really small so she looked like a kid. That was great. It was a really good site, I wish I knew which one it was.
Uh, yeah... so a lot of your songs feature some pretty explicit sex talk. And we're talking about some seriously dirty stuff. Do you realize that everyone who's ever bought your albums has suddenly realized that those songs were written about underage girls? Is there a certain brand of soap you can recommend to wash off the filth you've left upon their souls?
Well, you see, elcyberGoth, what I wrote in those songs came from the heart. Love doesn't see skin color, language, religion or age. Love doesn't care if it's for an 80-year old grandmother (rest in peace, Grandma) or a fresh virgin teen in a Catholic schoolgirl outfit, rubbing oil on her thighs and leaning back on the bed-
R.! What did we talk about in the car?
Oh, right. The point I'm trying to make is that love just wants to get freaky, and possibly put it in the butt. Listen to this:

You remind me of my jeep, I wanna ride it
Something like my sound, I wanna pump it
Girl you look just like my cars, I wanna wax it
And something like my bank account
I wanna spend it, baby
Hmmm, you've reinforced your argument with the reliable "proof by song" method, however I'd like to make a few observations. First of all, singing in the middle of an interview to show off your vocal chops? Little gay. I mean, I know a lot of singers do that, but it's gay. Sorry. Also, singing in the interview really isn't gonna help much because this is a printed article. All you're gonna do is show successful use of the italics tag, and even that is mostly attributed to my skill at writing HTML. While we're on the subject of that song, I'd like to point out that of all the hummers you drove around in the video for that song, none of them looked to be more than a year old. Is there something else those jeeps remind you of?
Okay, elcyberGoth, that's more than enough. How many times do we have to say it, R. Kelly is not a child molestor.
Okay then, maybe you'd like to explain what's going on in this behind the scenes video clip, which, using the magic of bubble technology, I am able to show as one frame:
I'm sure there's a perfectly good explaination.
I... uh... I've never... uh.... Damn.
Man, you've always gotta tape everything, huh? I'm outta here.

I fucked up my career.
Ahh, don't worry, you've already got the wardrobe for a new job as a pimp. Are you wearing a baseball cap over a doo-rag? What's up with that?

Davin says:
I think I'm too old for these guys
A whole album about teenage sluts? Where do I get it???