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October 17, 2017

Server Ricing!

I'm not sure, but you may have noticed that the magical ECG DOT COM server can be a little slow sometimes. This may have something to do with it being an older P2 350 that doubles as my nighttable. I am not oblivious to this, and I am nothing if not devoted to my fans. That's why over the weekend I took steps to make your surfing experience a little bit quicker.

If you're not familiar with the concept of ricing up your car, it's the practice of adding all manner of fancy decorations to a middling car in an attempt to make it go faster. This is how you turn a Camry into this speed demon:

Just.  Awesome. Woooo, just as much sugar back here!


The way I see it, if putting a bunch of ugly crap on a small car makes it go faster, the same should work for a slow computer! Let's get to work!

Yucky.
Here you see the old piece of crap. Look at it, sitting there, holding up my reading lamp. Boring! Slow! Something HAD to be done about this.

I had to be careful to save enough of this stuff for sniffing.
First things first, a new paint job for the old boy. Beige is so plain and inoffensive. Blue is a fast colour. What colour is the sky? Blue. And what goes really fast? That's right, fighter jets. Thus already I'm making this thing as fast as a fighter jet!

Ooooo, blue!
Wowee, look at that blueness. Note that I'm a piss-poor spray painter, and it's all blotchy. However that's ok because those are just extra pockets of speed, for tight situations when I'll really need it.

These are all licensed, I assure you.
Next up was perhaps the most crucial step. Everybody knows decals = speed. However I wasn't sure what kind of decals I needed to make a computer go faster, so I just used random ones I might have seen in the vicinity of a car once. Also, I have no idea where you find proper speed-enhancing decals, so I made my own with a Sharpie. Notice that I sucessfully upgraded my server to an R-Type. I bet that alone doubled the clock speed.

Racing stripes are so cool.
Next was the racing stripe, which channels airflow in a straight path over the server, and also looks totally totally rad. At this point I took a break to run around my apartment going, "Whoooooooosh!" I'm the most awesome man alive.

This is the most bad ass thing I've ever seen.
My legs got tired eventually, so I settled down and put the case back together. Look at that! It's so much faster!

So slow I may as well use coax!  Ahahahahaha...eh.
The server was much faster, but what about its Internet connection? Here you see the generic 10 Base-T cable that hooks it to the rest of the world. Clearly, when situated next to a Goatse decal that cable is just a bottleneck. Something had to be done.

Way fast, like Madonna at... well... anywhere.
I put some custom modified milk bag ties onto the cable, and even a retard with a massive headwound can see it's about a million times faster. Just look at it!

Sleek.  You're gonna do this to your computer, aren't you?
The final step was a biggie. Nothing is fully riced without a spoiler, preferably one as big as whatever its attached to. You see, when something is riced up and moving at tremendous speeds, it's gonna lift off the ground and reduce traction. My server needs all the traction it can get, dammit! So I built a very sturdy and large spoiler for my machine, and believe you me, that thing SCREAMED traction. This pic really shows off how sleek the server is now.

I am a genius.  Send money!
And here it is! You can practically feel how much faster this beast is! I really don't know why more people don't do this; it's cheap, fun and even retardeds like myself can pull it off. Enjoy the speed!

I wouldn't share this sort of thing if I wasn't trying to help the rest of the world. So here's the deal: if (and by if I mean when) you decide to rice up your own computers, send me a picture! It's the latest fad and it's catching on in a big way! Please Believe It!

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