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September 15, 2019

A Hole In My Soul Where The Pope Used To Be
(And I Need To Fill It)

Pope John Paul II has died. There's no getting around that; you've spent hours weeping in your bedroom, and so have I. The loss of a Pope hits hard, especially for someone like myself who has extremely little knowledge of the inner workings of the Catholic Church beyond silly hats and a propensity for holding boy parties. I am thus free to imagine all the wonderful powers the man might have possessed, and which the world shall no longer be able to experience. Powers like the ability to turn lead into gold with his mind, or pluck the spirits of the departed from the Celestial Vaults so that they may impart forgotten knowledge to the masses. Shit like that.

News coverage of this momentous event has been filled with retrospectives, and the mourners have been legion. What I want to know is where were all these people before the Pope died? Where were the throngs of Popemaniacs when His Holiness was still able to turn the blood of sinners into liquid caramel with a wink? They were ignoring him, engaging in acts of masturbation and prophylactic use, that's what! We should all be ashamed of ourselves for taking this great man and his super god-given mega powers for granted. Well, you all should, I always respected the power and the authority of the Pope, except maybe for that one time I made him give me pony rides around the Vatican a few years back. In retrospect maybe that wasn't the greatest thing for his health, but my heart was in the right place, as I really love pony rides from the elderly.

At any rate, what's past is past (Or is that "passed is passed"? One of these days I really must care), and it's time to move on. What comes next is a lengthy process I first learned about in the movie Eurotrip, wherein a college of cardinals must vote on who will be the next Pope. These cardinals meet in Rome to vote in the next Pontiff over the course of two weeks. The actual procedure is kept secret, and that's a good thing because if the Muslims get a hold of this voting thing we're FUCKED. Based on the results of the vote the ballots are burned, and the colour of the smoke determines whether a decision has been made. According to shitty movies about retards this process can be subverted with galling ease and any old schmoe can fill the role. That's where I come in.

The choice of the next Pope is far too important to leave to a bunch of elderly Catholics. Elderly Catholics decided they shouldn't be able to marry, or score, ever. Are these the kind of people you want making the decision on who gets the magical Pope powers, including the ability to slow the passage of time long enough to snatch a bullet from the air? Not on your horny ass. You can't even trust those people to decide whether or not the local dowager is a witch. Clearly the best decision is to let me do it, for the future of the Catholic church.

Here's a list of possible candidates I came up with. It's not like I have to share my options with anyone to gain some kind of approval or anything, I just like to flaunt my total dominion over the Holy Catholic Empire.

Vin Diesel
Possible Pope Name: Pope Buck Explosion SWAT Van
All killer, no filler
If you need somebody to kick the living crap out of sin who better to do it than Vin Diesel? The ethnically-ambiguous star of stage and screen is the perfect fit for the manly Pope of the 21st century. Imagine that gravely voice somberly intoning hours of Latin chanting, and imagine those huge guns laying waste to anybody dumb enough to talk during mass. His cold eyes would put down any challenge to the ultimate authority of the Church, although I suspect blessings would be sparse at best. Further, there is some risk that he would bring back the Inquisition to crush filthy heretics who don't like Riddick movies.

Jon Stewart
Possible Pope Name: Pope Pious Hoffenblum
Oh what a lazy Photoshop
Stewart's popularity has taken off lately thanks to a good long string of poor governments. This run has given him a lot of pull with the youth demographic. This is the kind of pull the Catholic Church would kill for. Stewart is not only not Catholic, but Jewish. However he also has his downsides. For instance, at 5'7" the Pope Hat would actually be taller than him. This would lead to a shameful lack of respect among the flock. Also, though his sermons would be hilarious they would contain incredibly little theology, which is generally not something desired by the high-up church bodies or God or Jesus.

Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone
Possible Pope Name: Pope Ivan the Deathwalker
The rarely seen Pope Battle Helmet
Typically new Popes are chosen from the gang of Cardinals that hang around the Vatican, catching flies with their tongues or whatever. I've chosen to ignore that group, however, save for one. Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone was recently picked by the Vatican to "crusade" against the "heresy" of the Da Vinci "Code". You might wonder why I chose this cardinal based on that, given that the Da Vinci Code has been out for years and is already a worldwide phenomenon, and thus this entire mission is one doomed to failure. The truth is I don't care about the Da Vinci Code or anything to do with it, and the fact of the matter is neither does the Vatican. This whole thing is a distraction, allowing Bertone to carry out his own secret agenda: conquering the galaxy! This kind of secret Catholic Church-based evil scheming is reminiscent of that hot bestseller, Jurassic Park, so you know it's got legs!

Martha Stewart
Possible Pope Name: Pope Martha Fucking Stewart
This is how most of us will be seing her Highness
Don't let her recent prison stay fool you; Martha Stewart is pious as shit. Take a look at all the fancy foo-foo stuff you can buy for your very pretty kitchen and it should be pretty obvious that Martha Stewart pretty much already owns everything. Taking the Pope Throne would merely seal the deal. I for one would look forward to the tasteful yet attractive new Pope outfits.

The Final Verdict

Based on these choices I realized Vin could take out Jon Stewart with a quick flex of his steely biceps before Stewart could get off any clever barbs. After that, Diesel would be crushed in the furies Martha and Tarcisio would unleash in their epic battle. Finally, said epic battle would utterly destroy both maniacal overlords, leaving us back at square one. Therefore I'm forced to default to my standard pick in there situations: Ted Danson. I must state for the record though that Ted Danson only asks children to sit on his lap for blessings, and certainly not to gain a sick sexual thrill from the experience.

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