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August 21, 2019

Pledge of Anger!

The assheads who make up the laws up in this area have really done it now. In case you haven't heard, Mr. Man Who's Living On the Moon Without the Benefit of Blackberry Wireless Email Always On Always Connected, the Library of Congress or whoever decided that the Pledge of Allegiance was unconstitutional because it contained the phrase "under God".

This is the kind of stuff that upsets any red-blooded American, and I have to say this sunk deep into my Red White and Blue heart. In fact, I feel it is my patriotic duty as an American to do something about this.

Oh cry.
ECG! Whay do you turn your back on our wonderful contrery?

Who the hell was that? Anyway, the Pledge goes something like this:

I Pledge Allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the Republic for which it stands, one Nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

Truly a thing of beauty, isn't it? Well it seems that the fat cats in Washington (as well as their complementary Dr. Claws) have ruled that "under God" is a government endorsement of religion, and is thus unconstitutional. Maybe so, but was it really necessary to go through the pomp and circumstance of the legal system to cut out an ad for God? If I walked around an average elementary school and told all the kids, "Hey, buy Jesus!" would they go all God-mental and flip out on the schoolyard?

And really, I doubt anyone really believes this is some great moral crusade to follow the written word of the Founding Fathers. No, it's about cutting out the subversive God-power pervasive in the schools of today. It's not even a particular religion, as God is a pretty generic word. No, all this can be squarely pinned on those child-eating atheists and possibly an old lady-crotch-kicking gang of Satanic boogeymen (note: some atheists may not practice child-eating. Old lady crotches kicked by Satanic boogeymen are kicked with consent and a written note from their doctor. Don't burn down my fucking house).

Unless those wack-jobs in Columbine loaded their guns with Yahweh slugs and were tossing grenades chock full of Allah I'd have to say this whole excerise is a massive waste of time. Of course, I imagine the Pledge is going to be changed to be less Goddy. If the Captain of The Laws of America is feeling really bitchy (and you know he/she/it is: look at the DMCA) they should change "under God" to "under the watchful eye of a camera lens as a small Asian woman pleasures myself and my friends with her horny little mouth" because, quite frankly, if participating in mass bukkake videos is unconstitutional we may as well all fly into the Sun.

What I am is a realist. I can see the way things are going to go. Eventually when the meatheads in office get done raping what little shred of unique culture America has generated, they're going to revise the Pledge to be inoffensive to people who are afraid of their children getting drop kicked by Jesus. Well, let me perform a little service for my fellow Americans: I've taken out everything that can offend anyone ever, just so we can all be spared a whole bunch of legal mumbo-jumbo later and our politicians can go back to covering their asses when the giant corporations that pay them go under.

Just point me in the right direction, Uncle Sam!
Let's look at the original pledge step by step, shall we?

I - clearly this offends people who hate themselves. This is also why I, Claudius is on the schoolboard chopping block. Good riddance!

Pledge - I'm surprised this has been in here so long. Using the word so casually weakens the impact when it's used in PBS' Pledge Drives. And they need every dollar, dammit! They'll shoot puppies if you don't pony up the dough! You fuckers don't care.

Allegiance - Allegiance? As in Alliance? As in Canadian Alliance? You don't mess around with a powerful Canadian political body and expect to get away with it. Change it quietly and maybe you'll be able to keep your second born, America.

to the flag - Sounds kinda like "to the fag". Believe me, if there's any group worse than No-Godians it's the People Who Don't Like To Be Called Fags. That's trouble nobody needs.

the United States of America - Well, right off the bat you're gonna offend the hell out of terrorists and commies. I don't think we need to upset them any more, do you?

to the Republic - Yeah, were they even thinking about the Democrats when they wrote this? Unless they're gonna change it to "to the Republic and the Democric and the Greenic" there's just no way not to ruffle some feathers with this. Hell, I'M even a little offended.

for which it stands - How do you think Little Jimmy In A Wheelchair feels when he gets to this part? For which it stands? How about For which it puts a fucking catheter up its urinary tract every morning because it can't feel it's bladder. Assholes.

one Nation - I think the Ultimate Warrior and his much ballyhooed One Warrior Nation would have a little something to say about this little doozy. Don't mess with the Warrior or he'll look into your soul and pull out your consciousness or something!

under God - WHAM! Sneak attack by Ganesh!

indivisible - Siamese twins. Senstive about it. Please show a little empathy next time.

liberty - The Statue of Liberty stands for liberty. And it was given to us by the French. The French!

and justice for all - This is a government endorsement of Metallica, and they're pretty mediocre now, so that's just trouble.

There's also some random participles and stuff in there, but I'm pretty sure Hitler used them once. No, really, see?
Man, that guy was an ass.

Thus the Pledge of Allegiance God-Free Litany boils down to "with". Unfortunately that doesn't quite have the right ring to it, so instead I'll make it:


There it is! Totally non-offensive! "We"! Hmmm? What? Oh, ok. Apparently "We" offends people who don't wish to conform to a rigid group structure, and instead wish to be recognized as individuals. Hmmmm... ok, I can fix this. Ladies and gentlemen, the God-Free Litany:

Now there's something we can all get behind.

Now that's what I'm talking about. "W". Excuse me, I'm getting a little misty.

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