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August 21, 2019

The Pato Interview
(With Pato)

[Saturday Afternoon, in a studio in a god-awful sprawling metropolis in Northern England, a man in a very nice designer shirt is here with a very similar looking man in a very nice designer shirt]

Hello there. I'm Pato.....and today I'm interviewing Pato for!

Fuck off.

Oh, right......

Why the fuck is this for anyway?

'Cause you're too lazy to have a personal website.....

No, I don't have time for a personal website. I have work, eating, sleeping, a busy social life, seducing women, getting into their pants.....all this to attend to before I can even think about a gobshite personal website.

Why not a blog then? They're easy.

Blogs are for cunts.

Hey! Mind your language, cunt.

Make me, muthafucker!

OK, OK...let's try make this interview civilized. Let's ask a question.

That's what interviews are usually about.

What do you think about elcyberGoth?

He's a stupid speccy cunt with a trash bin on his fuckin' head. What a fucking clown. And he talks to Ted Danson is his sleep. And his mum's a slapper. I heard his sister's hot, through.

I don't think we'll get this on this website now... [HA! - ECG]

We'll expose the "Salmon Farms" scandal if he doesn't put it up. [The Englishman knows too much - ECG]

Oh, I forgot all about that. I didn't want to think about it ever again.

Indeed. It was ghastly for all concerned.

[Both men feel rather sick.....]
Now, you're generally "not liked" by most people who visit ECG's site...

Because they're cunts. Especially Dean Malenko and j210.

But at least Dean likes beef curtains, which can't be said for 210.

Yeah. 90210's a pooftah.

For sure.

Yeah. And I've heard he went on a road trip with a male gymnastic team, and they had to go down some Motorway in America called the "Hershey Highway", and I don't think any sweets were involved.

Well, I don't know much about American chocolate.

Neither do I. But he keeps saying "Minnesota Is So Hot". Quite possibly because his home state is flaming. Geddit? Flaming? As in flaming homosexuals? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! [I don't get it. Oh wait... oh yes! Hahaha! - ECG]

That was a really pissweak joke, y'know.

Yeah, and you're about as funny as a headline Edinburgh Festival performer.

Hey, I didn't ask for the Perrier prize. Besides, we're going a bit off-track for our largely North American audience.

Yeah, that's because they're ignorant cunts. Well, just the Americans. The Canadians are just empty headed.

I'm sure your opinions will go down well on the streets of Canada...

Like I care. If you see me walking down the streets in Canada, you'll know that I've fucked up or I am on a really god-awful holiday.

Is there anything positive about Canada in your view.

Apart from a couple of hot babes, which nobody will remember when somebody is reading this in over three months' answer is no. They've got shite beer, shite food, those god-awful French, stupid sports on ice, and Jacques Villeneuve is a whinging cunt. And he's gay, by the way.

Isn't he married to some New York ballerina?

Yeah, right. If it is even true, she must be a lesbian. He's gay, he bends over for Craig Pollock and he dyes his hair. He should meet WWF wrestler Jeff Hardy.

And j210?

And j210.

Do you have anything about gays?

Oh no, not at all.

It sounds like you do.

No way. I just hate certain gays, that's all.

But didn't you use this line earlier in the interview?......."But at least Dean likes beef curtains, which can't be said for 210." It sounds like you're homophobic! see, what I, uh, was meant to say was "But at least Dean likes Molly's beef curtains."

Suuuuure.....I've never heard Dean say that.

No, no, no. Dean has said that - see?

Oh, I see. I stand corrected.

He should have scanned those pics. I bet they were WHACKTASTIC~!, knowing lovely Molly.

Too bad she's a devout Christian, who'll only have sex for 15 minutes in her life for reproduction.

Yeah, but she hasn't met me, has she? In 5 minutes, I'll be in her pants, and I'll be pounding her beef curtains for a life time.

Thank you, Pato. Very graphic.

Thank you for giving me the chance to be very graphic.

Now, let's go back to an incident that has caused nothing but trouble since it occured...

Before you say anything, I honestly did not know that I was speaking to the Prime Minister of Belgium. He looked like any ordinary Belgian.

I believe what you said to him was "don't step on my foot, you cunt, or I'll place your shoe and some Belgian frites up your arse!"

But he did step on my foot. It was fucking the Antwerp train station, and I was waiting for my train. In becomes the Belgian Prime Minister walzting around, and steeping on people's feet including mine.

But it was the Belgian Prime Minister. And you do have Size 17 feet.

I don't care. And I never received an apology for it.

Well, ever since that incident, you've had to be guarded by Police for 24 Hours a Day, just in case any Belgian suicide bombers try to kill you.

Well, ever since that incident, you've had to be guarded by Police for 24 Hours a Day, just in case any Belgian suicide bombers try to kill you.

Seriously, I never knew he was that popular.

What were you doing in Antwerp anyway?

I had to pick up a package from a man called "Mr. Rather Big"...

What was in the package.

Oh, just some Coke. It wasn't real fizzy, mind you.

It wasn't fizzy at all. It was more like powder if you ask me...

Ixnay on the Cainecoay!

Confess it. You smuggled cocaine into the United Kingdom.

No comment.

Admit it, bitch!

Only joking! I reeeeeally like Tony!

Tony? Who's Tony? Tony Who?

I didn't say anything about Tony.

Yes you did! You said you really like Tony!

Nope. You've lost me.

[Pato jumps out of his chair and screams.....]
You did say it! Admit it fucker!

Fuck you, cunt.

Don't call me a cunt!

Cunt! Cunt! Cunt! Pato's a cunt, doo-dah doo-dah!

Fuck you. This interview is over.

[Pato leaves the studio]
Ha! Can't take my insults, eh? You're a weak cunt! Ha Ha Ha Ha......hey where did he go?......Come back cunt! I have not stopped insulting you yet! Muwahahahahahahaha.......Hello?......Anyone home? Fine, I can play that game. I'm outta here. I'm going down the pub for a pint of Guinness. Did you hear that Pato? I'm off! I'm going down the pub, cunt! Ha! That showed him.

[Pato heads off to the pub. Interview over!]

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