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June 25, 2017

For the Love of the Children

I don't know what's happening in the world lately, but outrageous and offensive acts are pummeling the very fabric of civilized society. I am of course talking about the recent spate of people flipping out over naughty behaviour. It's an outrage! It's a scandal! If anyone is going to complain about something offensive and / or indecent, it should be about something I wrote! How many nasty gay jokes do I have to make? Is it not enough to make unfair statements about people's ethnicity? If you prick me, do I not spooge?

The distressing thing about all this sanctimonious posturing is that the stuff that is causing all the fuss would pretty much slip under the radar in a world not run by retards. In the world under the microscope of the public eye there is a line set which should not be crossed. That's why Ryan Seacrest can have a talk show but Glen Danzig can't stab a hooker in the gut and have sex with her kidneys. On television. I'm not saying that it's a very good line, after all who wants to see a Ryan Seacrest talk show, but the line is there. It seems that the problem we've had recently is people are a little too sensitive to line-related traversals. A little too sensitive TO THE EXTREME.

I had a dream like this once, only instead of a nipple it was a rotted sandwich.
Artist's recreation.
A prime example of this is of course Nipplegate. We sure have a lot of goddamn gall to act like an exposed nipple on T.V. is the worst thing to happen ever. Especially since you can pretty much show the whole boob BUT the nipple and everything's cool.

Oddly enough, the nipple was mostly a funny thing that happened until the editorials started coming out. This is a clear sign that the news media is more on top of things and comes to obvious conclusions like "nipple bad" much faster than us dumb hicks. Suddenly a nipple slip on live T.V. was the top story around the world. I guess seeing a nipple is a danger to the children of America. However it's perfectly okay to sing about how cool it would be to get each other naked. What's curious is that it's okay to show boobies on T.V. as long as it's not in a sexual way. For instance, I've seen The Abyss on the tube, and in the scene where they have to revive the chick they showed her ripped open shirt, dead boobs and all. What this taught me in my impressionable youth was that there's nothing wrong with a dead boob. This got me into a bit of trouble at a funeral when I wanted to check out Aunt Margo's rack, but her shit was stacked.

A moral centre in an immoral world.
Spokesmodel and ass kicker Masuimi Max demonstrates acceptable nudity on network television.
Trying to keep nipples out of mass media seems more than a little ludicrous in this age of the Internet. The bigger a deal you make out of nudity the more kids are going to want to see some, so they're going to go straight to the Internet, where not only are the tits naked, but they're being pooped on. When people in the 50's were imagining what life would be like after the year 2000 they saw flying cars and moon people. I bet they never thought that our greatest achievement would be an enormous 24 hour porn network, serving every fetish available and inventing a few new ones. Hooray for science!

I'm not sure what's caused this recent hooplah, but I'm going to go out on a limb and blame the Bush administration. Not for any particular policies or actions, but more often than not that's the safe bet. Still, I feel that it's my duty to the loyal readers of ECG DOT COM to come up with some sort of logical explaination for blaming the U.S. President, so I made something up. The reason Bush made sure we freak out properly to seeing things on T.V. that aren't sanitized for our protection is because his T.V. almost killed him once. What I'm talking about is the time Bush choked on a pretzel and passed out while watching a football game on T.V., bringing him to the brink of meeting his Holy Creator, Allah. The embarassment of almost being the first U.S. President to be killed by a salty snack was too much for him, especially since it led to articles that felt it was necessary to describe what a pretzel is. Thus he set into motion the Enduring Family Values Act, a bill that put strict penalties on anything outrageous which might lead to fluke snack-chokings or spit-takes. You know, as I'm typing this even I'M starting to believe it. This is the sentence where I point out the hilarious ironic comic device of pulling data out of my ass to blame President Bush for something.

Dramatization of what we're all so afraid of. It can happen here!


Not to say that gross freaking out is a purely American tradition. Up in the Great White North we've been up to our own zany antics. Granted, not coming from an injun-killin' Puritan background we're a little more lenient on visible nipples; thanks to CityTV we have access to all the blue movies we need on basic cable. Instead, coming from a tea-drinkin' English background we have a proud tradition of being polite.

That's why we had to import an American to do our insulting for us, which Conan O'Brien did by sending Triumph the Insult Comic Dog to Quebec. Most people would expect a hand puppet with a title like, "Insult Comic Dog" be somewhat politically incorrect. In true Canadian fashion, however, all it took was a few generic jokes about French people to create a huge stink.

Triumph goofing on Quebec caused an uproar too ridiculous to comprehend. Without flashing a single boobie every editorial in the country was talking about a mean spirited hand puppet. Ed the Sock must be SO pissed. Normally a few people would whine for a bit and it'd slip out of view again. However the government paid $1 million to bring Conan to Toronto, money which was no doubt used to pay for the Conanmobile and the Conancopter. This opened the window for loud and hilarious opposition party whinging on a very public level.

It was pretty tasty.
The last time such a fuss was made it was over this seemingly harmless bottle of maple syrup. Crazy!
The nation rolled its eyes as Triumph the Insult Comic Dog was discussed in the highest level of government. There's no better way to ensure people making fun of you than revealing that you can't take a joke. It's not mean, it's just funny. Trust me on that, pussy. Of all our loud-mouthed politicians nobody's soundbite got more play than Alexa McDonough, member of the New Democratic Party and professional loud-mouthed soundbite generator. When somebody asked Alexa McDonough what she thought of a rubber hand puppet making fun of people in Quebec she replied, "I think it was vile and vicious. I think it amounts to hate-mongering."

Before you join the march to protest the brutal oppression of the civil liberties of the people of Quebec let me fill you in on the NDP. Every democracy has a crazy party, who make promises based on what they think will get them elected, heedless of how crazy their platform sounds. Canada is fortunate enough to have several, however the NDP is the originator. If you're wondering how far left a party has to be to be too liberal for Canadians, you have the NDP.

Political satire!  For me to poop on!
The NDP does it again! And the hits keep on coming!
As far as I can recall the NDP's entire public image seems to be whining mightily about whatever issue they've picked on any given day. Earlier today I saw their brand new smear ad for the upcoming election, because smear ads work so well in Canada. Maybe I'm biased by only ever experiencing the party acting as opposition, and never in power. However a quick look at their websiteshows that they've chosen to illustrate party policy with the use of whimsical animated GIFs. I'm not saying that this website design decision reflects poorly on the party's image, but just be aware that a vote for NDP is a vote that brings you one step closer to a national Shocking of the Monkey. Ok, I guess I am saying it reflects poorly on the party's image.

All this overblown media coverage of events that are incredibly minor in the grand scheme of things is embarassing. All I ask is that the Janet Jacksons and amusing hand puppets of the world try to keep out of the offensive behaviour game and leave that to the professionals. Guys like me, who, without anyone to be accountable to can say any damn thing that pops into our diseased minds. Shitlicking lesbian fuck. We will be on the road to a better world in no time.

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