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May 24, 2017

In The News

Headlines so messed up they could have been lifted from Canada.com's oddity page minutes ago!

Devil Calf Born. Satan Sez: "Kewlies!"

Aren't I so sexy?
Sadly, this article has no pictures of the calf, so I ineptly made one.
According to this story a three-horned calf was born in the unlikely-named town of Onoway, Alberta. Apparently while the owner was preparing to "vaccinate" the animal with his big, hard needle he noticed that there was a third horn sprouting unicorn-sytle from its forehead. Being a devout worshipper of the Devil and all his acts, the farmer recognized that this calf was sent by his lord to purge the holy taint from Onoway.

Biblical hijinx aside, the article also mentions how the occurance of a three-horned calf is unusual. When asked, a cattle expert said he was delighted that anyone was paying attention to him, because he's a cattle expert and his mother won't even return his phone calls. After a lenghty session of weeping in the corner and listening to Phil Collins records, he mentioned that a third horn is less common than a partial fifth leg or malformed organs, both of which are ripe for some ribald penis humour, but this is an upstanding site and I will not go there.

In order to pad out the article some, they asked some guys at the cattle yards who have "sat there for years watching cattle go by" whether they'd ever seen anything like this. They said, "Nope. Never." Thanks, guys.

Finally, the article concludes with "This little heifer is no magical farm bailout" which I guess is cattle humour or something because I have no fucking clue what that means. Damn cattle ranchers.

The Parti Quebecois Cares About Your Sperm

Vote PQ!
Remember, when you think Parti Quebecois think, "OH FUCK, YOU NASTY LITTLE SLUUUUUUT!"
In a daring move to achieve... something Quebec's Parti Quebecois handed out condoms in bars as part of their campaign for the provincial election. The jim hats were attached to leaflets outlining the PQ's platform, no doubt eliciting many cries of, "Hey! Free leaflets outlining the PQ's platform! Let's drop some E and dance to shitty Eurotrance!"

Apparently distribution was only done in bars, which is an odd move because from what I've heard of Quebec bars only half of the people there are actually old enough to vote. Ok, I'm sorry, that was a cheap shot. As penance I'll put on a condom. There, happy, Quebec?

One of the PQ's objectives if they got into office was to increase Quebec's birth rate. Wait... condoms... increase birth rate... I think I'm starting to puzzle out why Quebec's birth rate is so low in the first place.

Sadly the move didn't help the PQ in the elections, as the mighty and virile Jean Charest led his Liberals to a rousing victory. Apparently everybody that was going to vote PQ was at home bemoaning their swollen, purple members while the Liberal voters simply blew their loads on their girlfriend's stomachs, sprayed a little deodorant and hit the polls. Better luck next time, PQ!

Trailer Park Trash Wed In Wal-Mart. The Media Has A Heyday

We's fixin' to get hitched at the fancy store!
Family of the groom... and the bride! Oh my, what a wacky situation!
For some reason two people got married in Wal-Mart and Canada.com felt I needed to know about it. Thank you, Canada.com, for using the headline to inform me that they wed in front of $11.93 NASCAR hats. That fills my heart with joy and also with a desire to pick me up some of them NASCAR hats.

The article talks about how the fantastically old couple (54 and 51) met at Wal-Mart and naturally decided to get married there. I would like to take this time to announce that my impending nuptuals will be held at the Waterloo General Hospital's emergency proctology ward. If you must throw rice please try not to get any inside a gaping anal wound.

Anyway, the article states that love was the most popular display item on that magical day, with the Club in second place. Then it mentions the low cost yet fashionable NASCAR hats and the fact that their wedding song was "The Power of Love" by Celine Dion. Clearly somebody on the Canada.com writing stuff smelled hillbilly and ran off to Fort Myers to grab a piece of that pie. Now, I'm all for redneck hilarity, but there's really nothing more to add here. They got married in Wal-Mart! Unless the bride bent over after saying her vows and fired singing grasshoppers from her womanly folds it's pretty much impossible to write one more word about this situation that would not be obvious or redundant.

White trash sure am stupid LOL.

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