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June 27, 2017

In The News 6
All sex crime edition!

A World Where You Can Be Fired For Looking At Porn At Work

Typical office or massive porn warehouse?  BOTH!
When my own government discovered that a huge chunk of it's own department was forwarding porn to each other they took action and sacked the ringleaders. Then a review board gave them their jobs back. The decision to restore their jobs was due to the fact that pretty much everybody was in on it, including management. This is because these people were on the Internet. You can't be on the Internet without being exposed to at least fourteen different types of nasty and degrading porn in thirty seconds. God, I love the Internet. A massive investigation by the Workplace Discrimination and Harassment Prevention Office brought the charges down. I'm not sure was the problem was, as items of bestiality, oral sex, pictures of nude obese and elderly women and pictures of sexual activity that are degrading and violent to women. seems pretty evenly spread across the porno spectrum to me. Hell, they even got the fatties in there.

All this went down at Ontario's Ministry of Natural Resources, where it was decided that nothing's more natural than granny porn and bestiality. You really can't be more at one with nature if you're blowing a horse. One time when I was blowing a horse I was like, "Wow, man, Mother Nature is truly a precious and fragile thing." I think I learned a lot and grew as a person. One offender, a conservationist, had 46 nasty items in his account. You may think there's some comedy in a conservationist hoarding porn on his work computer, and you're right; way to keep the granny fisting scat video, you fucknut.

The original investigation began in 2001, and didn't wrap up until 2003. Two years might seem like a long time to determine that yes, that is a goat fucking a cat in that picture, but you have to remember that this is the government we're talking about. By the time they got the right clearances, filled out the right forms, bribed the right U.S. senators (standard Canadian practice) and signed up for the Government Porno Watchdog Bowling League they were already a year in. After that somebody had to sit down and go through all that porn. Personally, I'm glad that my tax dollars paid a guy to look at a ton of porn and determine that that porn was offensive. I'll bet his reaction was more like, "That porn is OFFENSIVE! Dude, check this one out!" And then he emailed it to all his friends.

I think the reason those guys got their jobs back was because they were fired for the wrong reason. They were fired for sending lots of porn to each other, which didn't have a chance of sticking in Canada. We run smut all the time on the cheap cable channels, and really smutty smut on the more expensive ones. What's more all Canadians are big on filthy Internet videos of Britney Spears receiving a dirty sanchez and then being shot (something you know the author mentioned because they thought it was hilarious), and if one tries to deny it they're lying and should be beaten. The reason they should have been fired is because they were sending that crap all over the place. There's a point where pictures of musical instruments jammed into various orifices ceases to be funny. Being one of those retards who sends this crap out to everybody who might like funny things every day shouldn't just be grounds for firing, it should be grounds for execution. The exception being, of course, when the picture is TOTALLY awesome.

Indians Go Crazy On Condoms, Wacky Shenanigans Ensue

Ancient Indian secret
The Indian city of Varanasi has been tearing through condoms to the tune of 600,000 a day. This isn't due to a pressing need to cut down on India's out of control population explosion, because Indian people reproduce asexually by growing out of discarded hair clippings. What they actually do is rub them on their looms to provide lubrication. Apparently this speeds up the weaving of saris, which in addition to being light and fashionable, have the ability to kill man-spunk on contact.

I wonder how it was discovered that the lube on a condom works on looms too. I bet that's an interesting story. From what I hear Bollywood is making a porn movie based on two overworked and underpaid lesbian weavers, who during a long, hot night get adventurous with a box of condoms. Then a whole bunch of people come in wearing gay costumes and sing and dance around for half an hour. That's going to be smoking hot.

The article describes how the weavers somehow scammed the rubbers out of the government. Corrupt condom officials sold them to the condom black market, where the weavers picked them up. Call me crazy, but in a country with more people than Ted Danson has pictures of little boys (I mean he totally doesn't), you'd think it would be a lot easier than that to get a box of condoms.

When questioned, sari owners complained that their garments were unusually purple and felt quite restrictive.

Business Leaders Push For Red Light District. No, Really

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH NOOOOOOOO
In a story near and dear to my heart business owners in Winnipeg are trying to establish a red light district. As a local boy I can attest to the whore content of the city, and I can say with confidence that this would be the ugliest area in a town full of ugly areas. Seriously, I wouldn't let most Winnipeg hookers serve me LUNCH, much less hot poontang.

Still, legalizing prostitution in Canada get less attention than our steps to legalize marijuana, and I attribute this to the lack of a political party that runs on the platform of legalizing whoring. I'm not sure if that's because way less bored university students are big into prostition or because we already have a party dedicated to gross and demeaning acts, the Conservatives. Oh, I'm just kidding you silly facists.

The first reason given for wanting this district is so that "People would be able to see if 13-year-old girls are getting involved." Perhaps this wasn't the best argument to lead off with. The unintended implication that Johns will have an easier time finding 'em fresh and thus be in and out in a matter of minutes would probably seem more skeevy if a woman hadn't said the above quote. Instead we can all assume Sharon Oger wasn't thinking about whatever the fuck she was saying, which is sort of a given considering that she's working to bring a red light district to Canada.

Her real rationale for pushing for this is that she's sick of all the hookers in her nieghbourhood, and often has to resort to annoying them until they leave. What she doesn't mention is what area she would like the hookers to hang around in. You can't exactly put the hookers in a fenced-off grassy field and leave them to graze; they're going to be hanging around SOMEBODY's neighbourhood. It's not like when the city banned street kids and they mysteriously went away; there will be a whore concentration.

Deputy police chief Menno Zacharias, who's son I actually knew years ago (I think ( I mean, how many Zachariases who are high-ranking police officers can there be?)), said the police department has no official opinion on the issue. Some might think it odd that any police department would even consider decrimminalization of prostitution, but like I said, these women are wicked ugly, so who cares what three sad guys do with their weekends.

The Deadly Crime-Fighting Stare

Street gangs ain't what they used to be.
Residents in the magical wonderland of South Africa have come up with a novel way of fighting crime: they stare at people until they go away. This might seem ridiculous, but the thing is they wear yellow bibs too. This combination of icy South African stare and loud yellow bib unnerves even the most hardened criminal, and they are annoyed right back home.

Oddly enough when I go out and stare at people it rarely stops crime. In fact, sometimes it IS crime. I try to explain that the nice young lady's visible thong could possibly contain crime or crime-related devices, but it never seems to work. Perhaps what I need is a bib. And some pants.

You might think that doing this would cause a drop in prostitution and drug dealing but also lead to a spike in beatings to jerks in smocks who keep staring at you. However when the Yellow Bibs go out for a rowdy night of staring they bring along police backup and private security. This is where the programme's claimed effect on crime falls apart; maybe, just maybe crime isn't dropping because citizens are taking back the streets, but because a bunch of guys with guns are following them around. Call me crazy, but when you need backup to perform your nonviolent grassroots crime prevention maybe you should think about just sending the guards out to hang around for a while.

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