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June 26, 2019

In The News 5

A slice of our bizzare world

Jewish man takes offense at red sea; irony meter explodes

It offends me all right.  Crappy art does that.
Israel's ambassador to Sweden created waves by throwing a lamp into a pool of red liquid. Also, he upset people. That's a little play on words centered on the dual meaning of the word "waves". Thanks for coming out.

The furor (or, as the BBC likes to call arguments, "row") was due to the fact that the pool featured a white boat with a picture of a female Palestinian suicide bomber on it. Also Bach's "My Heart Is Swimming In Blood" is part of the piece and was playing in the background. Bach was unavailable for comment, as was his undiscovered piece "My Bladder Is Swimming In Urine." Ambassador Zvi Mazel says the work is a "call to genocide," and who wouldn't leap at the chance to explode themselves in a cafe if it meant that some guy is going to put a toy in a pool of fruit punch for them. Forget about 72 virgins; eventually you'll go through all of them and have to spend eternity with 72 random people, and all of them are bad at Scrabble. No, true immortality lies in the exciting field of artistic nautical transport.

Thus Mazel's actions are understood, and he had to do something before some Swede saw the exhibit and decided to explode the ass off of something. His solution was to throw lamps in there. While I'd love to explore the irony of trying to stop people from getting hurt by throwing electrical appliances into liquid I'd rather explore the fact that he's trying to destroy what's essentially a bath. See, the nice thing about fluid is you can hit it and it'll fix itself pretty quick. Go ahead: try it out. This is why this guy was shipped off to Sweden. How hard is it to be ambassador to Sweden? I bet this guy is the cousin of some high ranking official, wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, so they shipped him off.

The funny thing about the reaction to this piece is that people who feel that it incites people to violence are using death threats to try to stop it. There's a word which, though it was not designed specifically to describe this kind of logic, is useful here: retarded. Although protesting something that COULD lead to violence by CAUSING violence might just be a very clever way of getting what you want.

What's interesting in all of this is that the artist chose a picture of a rare female suicide bomber. Maybe he was going for the most shocking choice, given that you don't typically expect a woman to do something dumb and violent, but there's a giant subtext that you know all the press have been tiptoeing around. Let's put some things together: red lake and a woman on white boat. Hmmmmm.... I think if Zvi Mazel really wanted to destroy this thing he should have thrown in TAMPONS. This is the sort of thing that shows the universal appeal of art. To a Jewish Israelite this is a celebration of years-old racial conflict. To the rest of the world this is a giant ode to menstruation. If you didn't know who Hanadi Jaradat was and what she looked like I don't think you'd see something like this and think about terrorism. You'd think about cramps and nauseating commercials. Therefore I really really wish Zvi Mazel did a better job of breaking it. Perhaps he should have made a pool of blue fluid and shown that boats float 55% higher when they don't have terrorists on board. This is what happens when you let Kotex sponsor your art exhibits.

SARS concerns lead to stopping cat poo industry. No, really.

Where good brew comes from.
New SARS concerns in China led to the mass extermination of everyone's favourite stereotypical food source: cats. Among those were civet cats, which, improbably, play an important role in the Chinese coffee trade. "Kopi Luwak" is Chinese or Indonesian or whatever for "Civet Ass Coffee". The way it works is civets eat the best fruit, and when they shit out the seeds they're used for coffee. That you drink.

There's some things where you wonder about how they came to be invented. This is not such a thing. At some point in history a dirty Indonesian brought a hot cup of joe to somebody, asked them to try it, then told them that it was brewed out of something that came out of a cat's ass. As a testiment to the Asian culture of eating absolutely everything what could and should have been one of the world's greatest spit takes turned into big business.

Curiously, fears about the coffee only started when SARS was brought into the picture. The way I see it, if you're drinking something that uses a cat's ass as a major ingredient the possibility of catching a nasty respitory disease from said ass shouldn't be too big of a roadblock to you.

In discussions with the guys who sell this coffee one cafe owner said, "Our coffee has a strong taste and an even stronger aroma." There's simply nothing possible that could make that statement funnier.

Entire Indian police force to look gay

The face of lawfulness.
Police officials in India have started a campaign to get more mustaches on policemen. The idea is that a mustached policeman command more respect. They've even gone so far as to pay officers more if they have a mustache. I'll avoid asking the question I'm sure all of you are thinking: "does it still count as a mustache if it's in my pants?" and also avoid the other, "Do you pay the lady officers to shave their mustaches?" However I will point out that this article makes use of the word, "Mustachioed," and that's pretty much the only reason I mention it at all.

The scientific explaination for this policy is as follows: "There were two or three moustachioed constables in the gathering and I saw people were looking at them very respectfully and pleasantly. That is when I thought of making more policemen grow moustaches." By this indisputable research I'm thinking the Indian police force needs bigger sideburns and low riders. Respect and pleasantness will literally ooze from every orifice.

One problem with the concept of a policeman with a mustache is that it's more than a little Village People. Granted, the Indian in that group didn't have a mustache, but make one thing clear: those guys were SUPER gay. If my town were filled with cops with mustaches, I wouldn't so much feel safer as I'd feel my ass was a little less safe. I'd treat officers with a little more respect, but when they left I'd make jokes about what they do in their squad cars. I'm cruel and insensitive.

There's a small class of men who can pull off a mustache sucessfully, and this kind of indiscriminate facial hair is not the wise route to take. I recommend the American route, which is one of indiscriminate violence and rampant graft. The boys there know how to command respect, one donut at a time (New York officers excluded, 9/11 Nevar Forget).

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