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August 21, 2017

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What passes for front page news on TheStar.com!

Conservative MP flips the bird in session, Canada's collective monocle pops out

WATCH OUT!  HE'S GOT A FINGER!
Our naughty politicians are at it again! This time Progressive Conservative MP John O'Toole flipped off a Liberal MP on TV and everything. Good gracious! I've never been so outraged in my life! Why I never! Stab that man in the cunt!

Many of our government meetings allow massive amounts of heckling during speeches, so it seems a little odd that a rude gesture could cause such a flap. The way this article is written, you'd think the middle finger wasn't the third most used body part in the world, right behind the nose and my penis. For instance, Liberal MP Marie Bountrogianni did a very spiffy job of making a soundbite as she remarked, "If my children were behaving the way the government members are behaving, they'd be grounded," instead of "Holy goddamn shit is my fucking name ever jizzsuckingly long (like cock)!"

Actually either one of those statements would make a swell soundbite, however the one she really said is what concerns us here. Thank you for your motherly advice, Maria B., without your words of wisdom I don't know what I would do. Probably the same thing, but who knows for sure? Oddly enough, all the people that complained about the gesture were the opposition Liberals. I thought it was conservatives that were supposed to get all uppity about naughty behaviour?

It's magical and special.
Equally bizzare is the fact that O'Toole's fellow Conservatives were all "Meh." It's as if one side is making an issue of this to make the other look bad, and the other is turning a blind eye to it. What an insane situation!

When asked about whether he flipped the bird in session, O'Toole was all, "Nuh uh," but when he realized that he'd been on camera he was like, "Oh sry," and everybody was all, "LOL," and I shit myself it was so funny I'm so serious. Actually you can't really blame the guy for losing it in a public forum; with a name like O'Toole you either grow up tough or you don't grow up. It's a hard life in Peterborough. Wait, he grew up in Peterborough??? I'm surprised he didn't shout, "Chair recognizes Dees Nuts," whip it out for all to behold, and possibly slap the guy in front of him in the back of the head with his yam bag.

Jesus, what a crass article. You know what it is; I'm following the bad example set out by that disreputable bastard John O'Toole.

Sweet, merciful bastard Mike Myers gives T.O. the SARS all clear

Non-sequitors are the funny.
At long last a celebrity went on television to tell everybody it's ok to come out from cowering under their beds. When the media turns a brand new virus into the World's Wackiest Apocalypse it's up to people who get paid huge amounts of money to say dumb shit to tell us when everything is ok. For some reason it was Mike Myers this time.

The man describd as "better known as Austin Powers" sat down and told Katie Couric (!) that yes, Toronto is very short on deadly diseases right now. Actually, that's not 100% true, because Canada has a bad case of HOCKEY FEVER, which Myers proudly displayed symptoms of by donning stylish Maple Leafs gear. Then he introduced TORONTO FEVER by switching to a nifty T.O.-themed outfit, and then he tried to pass on TORONTO FEVER to Katie Couric (!) by handing her a shirt. As a special bonus, Mike Myers then gave Katie Couric (!) SARS.

What is the deal with Mike Myers and his constant home town shilling? The dude is from Scarborough, what could he possibly be proud of? The Asian Farm? Granted, that is pretty cool, but the shine wears off in a hurry when there's fourteen shooting deaths in the parking lot. He's kinda like an old lady who sits on the bus all day showing off pictures of her retarded sex offender son. I know that's a horrible thing to say but quite frankly I've had my fill of retard pervert stories thank you very much. Seriously, though, you never see other celebrities constantly showing off how cool their hometown is. "Hey, dude, check out L.A.! It's really awesome! Have an I [heart] L.A. thong!" It's goofy and makes everyone involved look like an ass, especially Katie Couric (!).

Myers closed out the night by saying, "Yeah baby, yeah!"

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