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October 17, 2017

Memo to toy executives

Hello toy executives,

Could you be so kind as to cease raping and pillaging the tender fruits of my childhood? I mean, really, stop it. Look, I had a very average and well-adjusted childhood, complete with the regular beatings and severe mental punishment that entails, and all I had to fall back on in those dark, normal days were my cherished toys and drugs. You see, what my G.I.Joes and Bravestars and My Little Ponies were is a crutch. A crutch holding up my frail psyche. If you drag my crutch into the street and violate it in a very illegal way in some U.S. states (Massachusetts, I'm looking at you), well, I can't be held responsible for my actions. I could SNAP and go MENTAL, writing VERY SILLY ARTICLES and treating other human beings with a great deal of DISRESPECT!

You don't want that, I don't want that, so just don't.

Sincerely,
Aaron Young Chris Issak

Hmmmm? Oh, hello there! I didn't see you coming. I was just writing a letter to the scumbags behind rereleasing everything that was cool back when I was a kid. Allow me to pretend to put away my letter and then maybe pantomime clearing a place for you to sit.

Apparently Pokemon and Digimon and Heteromon weren't lucrative enough for the big plastic pushers out there in the Valley of the Dolls (haha, get it? Valley of the.... You know.... Dolls.... ah, forget it), so they took a page out of the Hollywood playbook and started repackaging all that rad stuff from when we were kids. Now, it's all well and good to drag the spirits of childhoods past up for fun and games, after all, it's a cottage industry on the Internet, However when people take something old and try to bring it into the future they invariably make it really stupid. Let's take a quick look at the most recent efforts:

Rough and rugged, just like me!
Frooty and WHACK!
First up, look at what they did to He-Man. Once upon a time he was this little rugged ball of manly might in fuzzy shorts. Now he looks like Fabio in a skirt holding novelty foam weaponry, items which are no doubt in high demand at the Ren Faire. I guess they're trying to make him all stylized so that us twentysomethings don't feel bad about buying the latest model of the toy we bit the head off of years ago. Now, I have plenty of toys laying around my place, including a Todd McFarlane "action figure", but if I ever feel the need to buy an old toy because they put a bunch of spikes and shit on it please kick my butt, and be sure to hit my head which is deeply entrenched in its manly folds.
An instant classic, standing somehow.
Wha... the hell is that?
Why look! It's Optimus Prime! The leader of the Autobots! Some might say the greatest leader of the Autobots! Fun fact: "Optimus Prime" is written in the accounting books of toy execs as "$$$$$". On the left is the original toy, notable for the fact that it had no back whatsoever and couldn't stand up without periodically performing a crippling pelvic thrust. Seriously, every professional drawing you see of the thing from back in those days has him this unnatural thrusting position because the ARTISTS couldn't even get him to stand up. But that's not the issue here; deviant cripple or not it was the coolest damn toy you owned back in the day.

What we're looking at here is our friend on the right. Allegedly that's the new Optimus from Transformers: Armada. Notice the addition of loads of wings and shit. Also notice that it's the kind of thing some Japanese kid would use to battle MechaZords while hopped up on rectally injected sugar. From tentacles. I'm not one of those retards that retroactively made up this whole mythos surrounding the giant robot and his very spooky and mysterious matrix, but I'm pretty certain Prime shouldn't look like he should be shouting "SUPER LUCKY HAPPINESS DESTROYER BEAM ACTIVATE!" I'm also pretty sure he shouldn't look like this:

I want this guy to think about what he's doing.


Actually, come to think of it, this craze of preying on the youth of the demographic that has the most disposable income is the way to go. Why, I could repackage just about anything and make massive amounts of quality cash! I understand that this may sound slightly hypocritical, but ECG DOT COM is going into the toy redesign business, baby!

Totally Outrageous!
First up is everybody's favourite glam rocker/crimefighter. Basically the concept with Jem was she was a rock star with a secret identity and magic earrings or something. And she fought an evil band somehow. Ok, I'm not entirely sure what that was all about, but I bet it'll be money if it's remade for today. That means it needs edge. It needs pomp. It needs circumstance. It has to be like Barq's root beer and have CAFFINE! So, here's my stab at a Jem for the new millenium:

Before you ask, it's Susanna Spears.

Ok, what I figured is that the Jem of the new age should be almost naked, and a special music related bikini does the job, barely. Here she's stretching before a big concert, but when Jem 2002 is launched she'll spend most of her time talking tough to authority figures and maybe making out with girls. Of course, a full compliment of edgy new tunes will accompany the marketing blitz. Wait... why does this seem so familiar...

Pink + dog = uh... Pinkdog?
Aw, crap.


They're cat people!  And they have thunder!
Okay, that was a dismal failure, however this one can't go wrong: the Thundercats! Hailing from planet Thundarra, man-boy Lion-O and his merry band of mutant kitties fight the evil forces of bad! Finally, after years of dormancy, I think it's time for half-man half-cat combinations to explode back onto the Internet! And they're gonna be... EDGY!

What's that? Oh. I've just been informed that I've been beaten to it. What the hell is a furry? Oh well, I'll assume it's good and wholesome and not demented at all.

Well, what hasn't been raped and pillaged yet? I want in on the action! Wait... I know! What one thing was a constant through your whole childhood? What couldn't you live without? That's right!

BUY NOW!  BUY!  BUY!  BUY!

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