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June 26, 2019

An Interview with President Pervez Musharraf

The BBC recently did a sit-down one on one interview with Pakistani President and noted lounge singer Pervez Musharraf using questions sent in from readers. Being the type of guy who's quick to recognize a brand new trend and then exploit the crap out of it I was jumped on the bandwagon by requesting some time to do an exclusive ECG DOT COM interview. Impossibly, he agreed to it! Didn't see that coming. Anyway, what follows is my convesation with the President.

Yo, Pervez, 'sup?

Excuse me?

Good to hear. Anyway, let's get right to business. You first took power in a bloodless coup. What's up with that, you're too good to spill a little blood when you're overthrowing a government? Did you just waltz into the White House or whatever and say, "What up. I'm President now." and they were like, "Cool"? Actually, forget that, what's up with the word, 'coup'? It's not spelled anything like the way it's said, like a French word, and should we really be using a French word for an act that requires balls? That's like using the Italian word for chastity. So what's the deal with that?


My Press Secratary did not inform me that this interview would have such a sassy basis. Excuse me for a moment while I make a call.

Never mind that now! We have an interview to do here! Some might say you rolled over and pretty much let the United States stick it in any hole they wanted the second they needed access to your country. Especially me. However, no one blames for for it, after all when the country with the world's mightiest military goes on a personal jihad it's probably wisest to lube up and hold on. Did President Bush send you flowers and a Hallmark card afterward?

No, he sent chocolates and a short audio recording where he recited a poem entitled, "Thanks For Alienating Your Mainly Muslim Population For My Sake." He signed it, "Great Satan."

Pervez. Are YOU giving ME sass?

Maybe a little.

Cut it out. Recently you recieved criticism for addressing the nation regarding the critically poor water supply while completely failing to mention the once again escallating violence in the disputed Kashmir region. With the threat of hardcore nuclear conflict with India over ownership of the area constantly rolling in and out like the tides do you think it's appropriate to be worrying about how hard it is to get a decent bath?

To answer this question you have to understand the Pakistani people; culturally we like to be pretty. We like to have grand ballroom affairs at least five times a week, sometimes more often. At these events we must be at our most prim and proper, with powdered wigs and tight bodices. Naturally it's important that we be spotless and fragrant.

Well that's... nice. You know, when I was growing up the big ethnic group all the kids liked to make fun of was the Pakistanis. Here's a little demonstration. *ahem* Hello sir I hope you will be buying Slurpees and not shooting me!

Good heavens that's offensive!

Just kidding! That was actually supposed to be an Indian!

Oh! Haha!

Anyway, most people figure eventually Pakistan and India are going to whup the crap out of each other, at least until someone is stupid enough to use a nuke, at which point China will be annoyed enough to crush the shit out of both of you. So do you think that the song "Kashmir" by Led Zeppelin could fix this whole situation?

Absolutely. The work of Page and Plant is timeless and breaks down all barriers. Even now we have people working toward a one-time only reunion tour so that a live show will break down all that animosity. I only hope that what Puff Daddy did with the riff hasn't forever spoiled it's restorative powers.

That's what we all hope. Say, do you work out? You're looking tight!

Well, I've been working on this new ab program. Thanks for noticing!

Well I pay attention to these things. Not in a gay way. You know what works really well? The Thighmaster. Check out the tone in my groin! *flex flex*

Wow, that's really something!

Say, you know how you Islamic pagans like to pray in the direction of Mecca, which, as I understand it, is a big black box? Wouldn't it be funny if someone put it in a truck and drove all over the place? Everybody would be falling over and stuff trying to follow it! Haha!

What a horrible and ignorant thing to say! Although Tubby George in Finance would look quite comical trying to pray. I'll mention that one to King Steven of Saudi Arabia!

Fantastic. Anyway, that's all the time I have today. Allow me to strike this large gong signalling the end of this little adventure.

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