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June 26, 2019

My Magical Money Making... Mplan

Ok, I know for a fact that each and every one of you could use a little more cash. Here's a little secret: so could I. Fortunately I have developed a fool proof plan to attain vast wealth, and just because I'm that kind of guy, I'm willing to share these can't miss tips with you. Why, you ask? Well, I'm on huge amounts of morphine.

The problem with every other get rich quick scheme is that they're flimsy, require a great deal of luck, or are just plain stupid. The advantage my plan has is that it is in fact comprised of several get rich quick schemes all at once! Surely one of them will succeed!

Anyway, here we go:

Sure fire money tip number 1 - Make a bet with Mark Messier

Ok, whatever, dude.
I'm sure you've all seen the Mark Messier Baked Lays ads, or at least those of you who don't live in a godless hell have. In these ads somebody (usually Mark) is sitting around eating potato chips like all great athletes do. Some annoying jerk comes up to them (sometimes Mark) and the person who's eating the chips (again, usually Mark) makes a ridiculous bet hinging on them being unable to eat only one Baked Lay. Of course nobody can ever resist the urge of Baked Lays and things go poorly for the jerk (occasionally Mark).

My sure fire road to riches should be obvious; simply find Mark Messier when he's eating baked Lays and bet him a million dollars that I only eat one chip. After all those commercials he'll be so overconfident that he'll never see me strike! Actually he will see me strike. My balls. With a hammer. Until I pass out.

You see, the crux of my brilliant plan is to escape the siren call of the deep fried potato by beating myself into unconscious, and when the paramedics, clergy and circus folk show up they'll all invariably bogart the rest of Mark Messier's chips, meaning I just beat my crotch into one million big ones!

Sure fire money tip number 2 - Steal a large building, hold it for ransom

According to my figures, your run of the mill skyscraper costs at least two million dollars. That means someone would pay a pretty penny to get one back rather than just rebuilding it.

So here's my plan: I'll go to Chicago, and when nobody is looking I'll load the Sears Towers into my U-Haul. From there it's a short trip to my secluded cabin where I'll keep the Sears Tower bound and gagged on my cot. I've already cobbled together a ransom note out of clippings from other ransom notes. It reads something like this:

I'm a master criminal.

To show I mean business I'll send one of the Sears Towers' anteanae with the note. Also, I'll periodically sexually assault the Sears Tower, just to show how big a man I am.

Sure fire money tip number 3 - "Home made" fertilizer

It's a little known fact that I personally produce several ounces of high quality fertillizer each day. Yet it all goes to waste! This agricultural crime is simply appalling, and I can not let it go on any longer. That's why for the last few months I've been storing my fertillizer in bags under my roomates' beds, just waiting for some lucky farmer to buy the lot. Right now I figure the 42 bags I shall soon have will net me a cool $8 million on the open market, higher if I start eating more raisins. I'm pinching out profit, folks!

Sure fire money tip number 4 - Invent new Internet acronym

Everybody knows the Internet is big business, and there's no bigger business than the Internet acronym market. Why, just last week Oprah's current Book You Must Buy, ROFL Down To Your Ovaries shot to #1 on the New York Times Bestseller List for Wussy Books. There's a big fat money pie out there, and I intend to grab a big slice of it.

The first step is to invent the acronym. After much pondering and focus grouping I came up with "JJITC", or Just Jews In This Chat. Finally, there's an acronym for expressing that in fact the chat room you are in is intended only for the Chosen People.

The second step is to patent the acronym. I put together a seven page document which is based heavily on the precedents set forth in patent #38278, "LOL". It's filed in seven countries and Mexico.

The third step is to get the acronym into common usage. After all, what good is a patented phrase if no one uses it? Basically what I do here is enter various chat rooms across the net and sling the lingo around like it's been there for years. i.e.:

Shaloom6969: LOL
StarrrrrrODave: LOL
elcyberGoth: gg
*** -=RABB-EYE=- has left the chat ***
*** MajorGoy has entered the chat ***
elcyberGoth: hey d00d jjitc
MajorGoy: o my bad ttyl
*** MajorGoy has left the chat ***
StarrrrrrODave: omfg

Finally, with "JJITC" firmly ensconced in popular culture I'll just wait for the inevitable JJITC: The Motion Picture and watch the royalties flood in!

Sure fire money tip number 5 - Take change from pay phones

Sometimes people TOTALLY forget to take their quarters from pay phones after getting a busy signal, so I'm gonna go around and collect them! I'll be a millionaire in no time!

Sure fire money tip number 6 - Sell brochures distinguishing "manhole" from "man-hole"

Facts you should know.
An underrepresented demographic in the field of brochure sales is one making the important distinction between a manhole, which is an access passage to a city's sewers, and a man-hole, which is the naughty bit on a fellow from whence droppings flow. The damage caused by improper education in this field is devastating; just last week I saw a fellow get severely injured by a city worker trying to repair a water main.

As a public service, and also to get me stinking rich I have written a detailed brochure filled with useful facts and disgusting pictures. It's got all kinds of little known facts, like, "Manholes have steel lids" and "Man-holes smell like turd", and also carefully lays out the sure fire "Finger Test".

This fine publication is available through ECG Press at the low low price of a lot! Never again will you put your dick into the pavement! Order now and make me rich!

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