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December 14, 2017

How To Make That Internet Connection


You may have noticed the title of this article and assumed that I'm here to tell you how to open up the dialing icon and begin dialing your ISP so that you can go on the Internet and commence web surfing for fun and pleasure, but you would be oh so wrong! ECG DOT COM is well aware that if you're reading ECG DOT COM you must already be on the web! It is a simple deduction! No, what I'm here to teach you is a life skill that is more and more vital as women are getting harder and harder to meet as they get snapped up by travelling circuses and harems. Let's explore how to find sweet love on the Internet.

Craft a sexy online persona
This much sex appeal should be illegal!
Contrary to popular belief by me, a way cool screen name won't get the job done if you really want to reel in the fine ladies. What you need to do is reinvent yourself from the ground up. Think about what that hot little sweetie-pie in the teenz room wants to hear. Get a real good mental picture. Got it? Great. Now avoid acting like that at all costs, 'cause some 40 year old pervert is looking for that and chatting as HugzNKisses6969.

What you should do is embelish on the facts just enough to skirt the deep issues that keep you away from the standard dating scene. Just be sure to maintain some nugget of truth, because if she's expecting a horse and you're a horse fly (hahaha, that's advice column penis humour... notice how it's a much cleaner choice of words than, say, "mind-alteringly massive labia-destroyer" and "a cock that Tinkerbell couldn't jerk off with her ear canal". That's called TACT), you're getting bit, my friend. Instead, use real estate methodology in describing yourself. Really fat? You're overflowing with love. Too old? You're experienced. Freshly escaped from a mental institution and trying to find someone you can skin alive to make hand puppets? You're a struggling artist.

Walk the walk
This one's for my HOMIES!!!
It's important to ensure that you become this sexy online persona completely. You need to be sauve, charming and magnetic, and if you read this site you need all the help you can get.

The women of the net are a particular lot, and if you come of as some kind of newbie to the online dating game they'll blow you right off, and not in the good way that brings smiles and puppies. It's important to avoid talking in complete sentences with grammar and all that dumb shit. Everybody knows great lovers have lousy grammar. Because they didn't get though grade school by writing no tests, heh heh heh. Also, always be sure to ask "asl" as soon as possible, because it's important to know right away whether they have anal system leakage. You'd be surprised at how common that is.

What you've learned so far is the basics of wooing the cyber-women of the cyber-web, however as is typical of ECG DOT COM advice pieces, here comes the bonus tips sure to get you a whole gang of sluts. First of all, the ladies love street cred, so be sure to pretend you have a strong connection to hip hop. It's not important that you know what hip hop is about, just talk as street as you can and use a lot of z's in your typing. Oh, and call all your friends your niggaz. That's massive cred. In fact, go ahead and test your cred out in the projects. You can thank me after you swim out of the pile of women.

Be open-minded
This is so refreshing!
The one big thing you must keep in mind at all times is that the people you meet will most likely be a little... off. Remember, these ladies hang around the net cruising for guys. And they agreed to see YOU! It's to be expected that some of their tastes might be a little strange. Roll with whatever they throw at you and you'll be fine.

Of course, use your own judgement before letting yourself be strapped into the torture rack. You must always remember that some of the nation's most deadly maniacs like to use the Internet as a tool for finding victims, although sometimes I just call people at random from the phonebook. This goes double for anything that threatens to violate the pristine sanctity of your colon. Treat your colon right and it'll treat you right. Or jam a bag of lemons up there. I don't really care what happens to your ass.

Hopefully these tips will help you score that hot Internet honey you've always desired. Just remember, when you're out there play it cool and for the love of God lie your ass off.

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