Well well well, look who's back? Yes it is I, Pamela Luke, better known as the Luke Entertainment System, better than ever! I'm sure all you sweeties have been wondering what I've been up to since last you heard from me. Well, it's a long story, but the gist of it is I was off in a secluded mountain resort on a strict weight loss program. You see, I realize I'm not getting any younger, and the health benefits of shedding some additional pounds are just too great to ignore.
Losing weight was not an easy process, however. Out there in the middle of nowhere I only managed a few dozen orgies a week, and sometimes the same people were involved twice! But it was worth it, because there was hardly any ham up there for me to eat, and I ran out of tubs of lard pretty quickly. The end result? Feast your eyes, gentlemen!
No that isn't a pin-up from the Swedish Bikini Team, that's lovely luscious me! Easy boys, there's still plenty to go around! The best part about all this weight loss is I can lift my legs into the air under my own power again, a very handy skill for hailing cabs!
But I've gone on long enough about my fine self. Let's get to some reader mail!
| Dear LES, |
I have been seeing a girl for several months now, and I've developed strong feelings for her. However I don't think she returns the sentiment. I've tried everything: listening to Dashboard Confessional all day, writing poetry, burning scented candles - NOTHING! Oh, it aches so bad I want to die, yet my foolish heart won't explode for me! What should I do?
Love Don't Love Me
| Dear Steve,|
Don't take this the wrong way, but you're an emo fag. That's ok, there's nothing to be ashamed of, just understand that you in a heterosexual relationship is something that should be metaphysically impossible because of what a tremendous fag you are.
That said, you're not completely beyond hope thanks to my latest home video: Get Crunk With The LES. This half hour instructional video will teach you how to dance your troubles away, and turn on the special lady in your life. Here is a crudely done animated GIF demonstrating one of my highly effective dance steps:
Now if that doesn't make you rush out and buy a video nothing will!
| Dear LES, |
I been chasing after this guy I done sodomized out in the back woods, an' he just cowers in fear whenever I bring food to his cage. Now, I can get me some whenever I want, but what I really need is his love. How can I have his love AND his pretty little mouth?
Lost In The Swamp
| Dear Jeb, |
I think everyone out there can relate to the pain of unrequited love from sodomist to sodomee. I know I sure can. In every case the old adage works best: if you love something, set it free. I'm pretty sure that he'll be back, after all who passes up free buttsex? But if he doesn't return, you can always chase him down, beat him with wet towels and sodomize him again. Who knows? Maybe he'll develop a Nightingale complex and love you blindly! Good luck!
| Dear LES, |
I'm a doctor in a major New York hospital. I'm good at my job, but every once in a while I have an urge to sexually gratify myself into an open wound. Is this normal? Should I do something about this?
| Dear Ivan, |
As a massive whore, I know what it's like to have huge demands put on your time and energy by clientele. I also know how much guys like to stick it to soft, moist folds of flesh; just look at me! By denying these urges all you do is distract yourself from your work, risking countless lives. So go ahead and satisfy yourself in gore. You'll feel much better and your patients will appreciate that you care enough about them to wack off in their gaping cavities. Take it from the LES: this is a win-win situation!
That's it for this issue, folks! Keep the letters coming at email@example.com. Hugs and Kisses!