You are visitor 142583, a syphilis-carrying nude huge salty wrestler
October 17, 2017

I am touchably soft!

Hello LES-A-Maniacs! I've just come back from a whirlwind world tour promoting my new book, "The Joy of Cooking Child" to stop in with more advice for all of you! The trip was fantastic! I ate all kinds of new species, and had a very special relationship with South Africa, Burma, and Sudan. Hi boys ;)

I'm often asked how I maintain my spectacular figure. The secret is lots of carbohydrates. One method I'm fond of is buttering my bacon and soaking my bread in lard before I toast it. Also, try to get as little excercise as possible. I spend more than 23 hours a day on my back,

Dear LES,

Last night I asked four chicks to sleep with me and they all said no. Some guy wrote in the urinal stall that I'm ugly. What should I do?

Styler G.

Dear John,

How can any lady turn down some serious dickin'? Those ladies must have all had some serious problems. Don't listen to public restroom facilities; what's important is that your true beauty is deep down inside, and I want it all over my face.

Dear LES,

I've been in a long term relationship with this girl, and things are going ok, however I don't think she's entirely satisfied, if you get my drift. What can I do to bring her to the heights of firey passion?


Dear Fred,

The thing about short-dicked men is that they have to work harder in the sack. What I find works for me is instead of using that little thing my man uses both his legs. Mmmmmmmmmm... Come over and I'll show you how to do it the right way. As an added bonus, I think you'll find nothing so sexy as being waist-deep in woman.

Damn, you're nasty, LES. And you're getting hot butter all over my keyboard!

Shut your hole before I cram you down mine!


Oh man, I hope you mean your mouth.

Dear LES,

I keep being haunted by these wild accusations. I don't know why this keeps happening, there's no evidence to support it. As a celebrity this kind of thing could hurt my career, and for what? Why are people doing this?

Not Very Cheery in L.A.

Dear Ted,

You said it yourself; there's no reason for people to think you're something you're not, so don't worry about it. If anybody did say you were something you aren't, it would be slanderous or libellious or just plain wrong. Buck up! You're a perfectly normal member of society! Oh, and about that babysitting job... never mind.


That's it for this issue, folks! Keep the letters coming at ultra_les@hotmail.com. Hugs and Kisses!