You are visitor 142583, a syphilis-carrying nude huge salty wrestler
October 17, 2017

I am a beautiful creature!
Hello, my LES-ites! I'm sure the very first thing you'll notice with this issue is the picture of me in all my beautiful glory! I decided to give my long-time readers a treat and show what I REALLY look like under all that slimming black! This photo was taken by a close personal friend of mine, the '94 Denver Broncos. I'd post the other candid photos, but I'd melt your monitors! ** giggles **

Those pics are easy to get anyway. What you really came to see is the advice I can offer you with my years and pounds of experience!! Let's goooo!!!!

Dear LES,

J0, bitch, tell Aaron that he put up a nice piece-of-shit-of-a-website. Yeah. L33t. It does load slow as ass, but it won't make a difference for all three of the people that come to see it. Getting back to what's important and foremost in everyone's mind, you, how long do you think before we can see some info on the LES satellite survey? I hear they already mapped some regions of the left forested exhaust manifold (your left nostril) and I'm eagerly awaiting the 3D images. I am aware that it would take every computer on the planet working in parallel some three weeks to compute an image of reasonable quality and that then it would be way too large to transmit, but I was hoping for some general topography at the very least. We've been waiting for so long... And is it true that you destroyed seven billion dollars worth of satellite equipment back in March when you sneezed? Is it true that the matter-antimatter explosion detected in the general area of your chin in August was just a bursting pimple?

Big L33t H4X0R

Dear Premek,

Baby, if you need to check out my topography, why don't you bring that big geographical tool of yours ([] tee hee!! [] over to my place? {{{{{{{ The entire west coast }}}}}}}}} I'm gonna rock your world, baby! Oh god, just thinking about it made me pop out three more children!

Dear LES,

I've been seeing this guy for three weeks now, and he's always pressuring me. I don't know how far I should go this early? I'm in 9th grade and I don't think I should do anything... but I really like him! Help!

Confused in Illinois

Dear Confused,

I had this problem once, I think. As you go through life, you'll learn that it's all about how much cock you get. You see, after your first 14 or so cocks, you'll realize there's only one thing that will get you up in the morning: more cock. After a while, you'll wonder how you got through the day without at least one 21 gun salute! Aaron tells me this update isn't up to the new levels of badass irreverence and filth dictated by his new independence, so: cock cock cock cock cock balls balls dick. Okay! Next question!

Dear LES,

I'm at the top of my game! And ain't NOBODY paying me the respect that I deserve! What? I said nobody is paying me the respect I deserve! My boss don't treat me right, my team don't respect me, hell, even my wife don't pay me the proper respect! What? Now I got this little punk kid that thinks he's better than me! What? What? He's pathetic! What do I have to do to get some respect around here? What?

The King of the Mountain. What? I said I'm the King of the Damn Mountain!,

Dear Steve,

You're clearly being paranoid. You said it yourself: you're at the top of your game! It doesn't MATTER what people think of you. You're at the top and nobody's gonna change that! It's not like there's somebody sitting on the sidelines just itching to come back in and knock you down! Relax! Have a Happy Halloween! What? I said have a happy Halloween! ;PPPPPPPP


That's it for this issue, folks! Keep the letters coming at ultra_les@hotmail.com. Hugs and Kisses!