You are visitor 142886, a syphilis-carrying nude uneven cavorting beer
December 14, 2017

~Ask LES 3!~

I'll just let the LES take over from here.

I LIKE PORK!!!

Uh.. yes... of course you do...

Arrgggghhhh! Pork is good in my tummy!

Oh, hello, readers. This time out we have something special: actual reader mail. That is, it's mail that is more actual than my previous mail. I'm gonna make this quick because I have food and a football team to get to.

Dear LES,

Is it true that the USAF put you in orbit, calling you the LES 6? Is it true that the first five launch attempts are responsible for the Death Valley?

BTW, I'm downloading that bikin shot of you. It's been three days and I can almost see the top of your head! Sw33t!

Always a fan, MD

Dear Premek,

Ho ho ho, I see those USAF boys have been telling stories! No the truth is, I myself put the Earth in orbit around me shortly after it's creation. You see, sometime around 1976, during a major period of immigration, I was consuming massive amounts of the dirty French. Those greasy frogs caused my weight to balloon up to the point that I transcended time and space, and I now exist at the beginning and end of existence, and beyond. The '6' in LES 6 is in fact the number of G-forces required to break my gravitational pull (in thousands).

The Death Valley thing is kind of an interesting story. It's long and involved, so I won't go into it here, but it involves John Wayne and something known in certain circles as 'the wet spot'. I'll leave it at that. Oh, I miss the Duke.

Let me tell you, those pictures are worth every second! They were of course taken by the Hubble telescope over a period of several years. Here's something that should wet your appetite: crotchless. Thanks for writing!

That's it for this very special edition of Ask LES with extra realism. Remember, that email address is ultra_les@hotmail.com. Kisses! HAM!!!