You are visitor 147792, a syphilis-carrying vactioning back flipping brown monkey
June 26, 2019

About time prairie boy! Why don't you do us all a favour and get back to your love sheep back home!

Hey! Wait a minute!

Shut up! Okay, first order of business is the announcement of my new LES fanclub. I know all of you know me quite well (especially you, Joel!), however I thought it would be nice to share something with you that won't give you a rash the next day. So in a few weeks you'll be able to order the official LES fanclub kit, which includes:
  • An "I Climbed the LES" T-Shirt in your choice of purple or green.
  • A "Been There, Done That, Doing it Again Tomorrow" Mug.
  • Eight Gallons of Pest Control Spray (don't say I never think of you!).
  • An Extra Large Tub of K-Y Industrial Grade Graphite Dry Lubricant (because I also think of myself!).
  • The Official LES Prying Bar
Also, the first three people to order will get a copy of How to Roll Over the LES Without Suffocating Yourself by Henry Kissenger! Hurry Steven!

Okay! On to the Letters!

Dear LES,

I went out last Friday and met this girl. Well, one thing led to another and, needless to say, there's blood in my urine. Any ideas on what I can do? It burns like hot sand!

Red Rushin'

Dear Jack,

So that's where you went! I've been getting calls about this all week. Here's a freebie piece of advice for the ladies out there; antifreeze is NOT a good birth control device! Anyway, I'll just let you know what to do here so that I won't get any more calls about this; you'll need to go to your doctor and ask for a "urethra replacement operation." I don't know what that is, but it seems to have cleared things up for other fellas! Sorry about that!

Dear LES,

I'm pretty good at my job. Hell, I'm damn good at my job. Some say I'm the most elctrifying man in my field. However, sometimes when I go out there, well, I don't feel that I'm electrifying enough. I try to incorporate little extra movements and twitches, but I just can't seem to be as electrifying as I try to be. What do you think I can do?

The Peop- uh.. Unsure in Florida

Dear Dwayne,

Haven't heard from you in months! How's that eyebrow strain? Anyway, I think I speak for all the ladies out there when I say you're MORE than electrifying enough! In fact - call me! Soon!

Dear LES,

I run a really lame website with a goofy one-note feature that takes mom jokes way over the line. The problem is, no one seems to have caught on to the inherient goofiness of it and I have yet to recieve one email for it. Thus I am forced to make up my own letters in hopes of maybe jump starting some action. Also, I have an intense fear of white bread and I think my dog and cat are doing it. I'm also kinda worried about erectile disfunction. But that's beside the point, what do you think I should do about the web site thing?

Thinking it's about time to wrap up in Ontario

Dear Aaron,

Wow, that is a problem. I just don't know what to say. You're clearly a terminal loser, and there's not a thing I can do to prevent it. Instead, I think I'll make use of this letter to show others how not to behave. I'll frame it and hang it on my front door, so that the people of the world can all learn from the lesson you have given.