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August 21, 2019

Jennifer Love Hewitt - Jennifer Love Hewitt
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You know what I'm sick of? I'm sick of the same thing all of you are. Some pretty girl gets national exposure on a tv show, then she moves to movies, and she gets endorsement deals, magazine specials and awards. And why? Because she's sooooo pretty, just like the two million pretty girls before her. In today's society you'd think we'd be pretty jaded to all the crass commericalization of a human being that goes on, but then we hit a new low.

It seems that the music industry isn't satisfied with all the pre-fab pop princes and princesses they churn out of their souless machine; they have to turn to Hollywood for raw product. So they find the cutie of the month and throw her in a recording studio with millions of dollars of voice editing equipment, cut her a big fat check and sell and album. So sloppy is the work that they do that they didn't even bother to title it. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Jennifer Love Hewiit by Jennifer Love Hewitt.

Don't ask how, but the crack ECG DOT COM media machine has obtained an interview with Miss Hewitt. Don't think this is gonna be some weak Teen Beat bit of fluff designed to ingratiate me with the popular media. This is gonna be a hard-hitting piece of journalism, an experience that will show the pop princess beyond a shadow of a doubt that her fifedom is a lie and her royal will is nothing more than the vapid thoughts of a sad marketing tool.

Well, Jennifer, I'm glad you could bring your little Barbie doll body here. I've got a lot of things that need to be said to your face. I hope you're prepared because you're about to experience why most people know not to mess with elcyberGoth.

Thanks for having me here, Aaron. Could you hold my purse for a second? I need to get this sweater off. It's hot in here!

Oh, is this the purse that holds the currency of saccarine tripe? If I were to open this bag would I discover the drugs you inject yourself with to keep yourself "perky"?

Ah, that's better. Oooh, I'm a little cold now! Anyway, what were you saying?

Ok, Jennifer Love Honeypot-I mean Genitals Love Hewitt-uh, no that's not...... Uh.... bag.... perky.... uh.....

Oh you noticed my purse? Yes, it's a Prada. I got it at this great boutique in L.A. in Hollywood.... shopping.... bag. Is candy? .... in bag?

I'm sorry? You want some candy?

Candy is good! It... is..... good. Can you.... touch elbows?

Touch my elbows together? Well I don't know, I've never tried.... almost.... almost....


Wait... oh you! You're sillier than that Carson Daly! Haha!

Oh, my manager says I only have time for one more question.

What? Oh! Question! Yes! Question! I have a question! A very good question! Yes! .... uh... have you ever taken a shower with Neve Campbell?

At this point she actually got violent with me and stormed off. Despite the fact that Jennifer Love Hewitt kicked my ass, I think she did it out of fear. The floorspace of my interviewing room is covered in the slivers of her soul I shaved off and showed to her to illustrate the cold lifelessness that resides behind her huge tits. I think she'll know not to mess with me again. Now if you'll excuse me I need to take a shower.

Davin says:
I'm way prettier.
I don't see what all the hype is about.