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August 21, 2019

In The News

Headlines so timely they could have been ripped from a few minutes ago

Former Mayor Played "Office Grabass": Lost

Quality Canadian ass.
According to this story the former mayor of Elbow, Saskatchewan got himself into a bit of a pickle for running around grabbing various asses. Upon first blush, one might look at this story and think, "Elbow? What the hell kind of wacky name is that?" And that's exactly what I did the first five times I read it. In fact, I completely forgot what I was trying to do and looked it up. Turns out an elbow is the bendy bit in the middle of your arm. Furthermore, Elbow, Saskatchewan apparently has one (1) resturant, the Black Home Bakery & Deli, which I would take to be a racial thing if there were any black people in Saskatchewan. One starts to think that Elbow is a one (1) horse kind of town, and that gets confirmed when you discover that it's only attractions are the Harbor Golf Club and a couple parks. That's right: the only thing they have a lot of is flat, grassy land. Weeeehaaaaa! If you were to travel to Elbow, you'd stay in the Lakeview Lodge Motel, or in a campground, or in a ditch filled with snakes, so do yourself a favour and don't go to Elbow. I hear they have an ass-grabbing maniac for a mayor.

Speaking of which, decided the sexy sexual exploits of Mayor Ass-Grab were front page news, and LO! here I am reading it. Turns out this man is a serial butt pawer, grabbing ass at the greenhouse (the ass plant), a wildlife banquet (pandas) and the local ice rink (hockey players). Yet it seems that is his only vice, as he's never been known to drink, swear or tell off-colour jokes.

This brings me to my point. I could have drawn attention to this article merely for the wealth of hilarious quotes, such as, "chronic groping," or "When I turned to walk out the door, he grabbed my ass," or "He groped another woman after buying her son a Popsicle at the grocery store." Hell, I could even take a relatively benign bit of text and add on something subversive like, "He's very congenial ... very community-minded, and he really loves to grab the communities' asses," and that would all be well and good, but I'm on a higher mission here.

This paragraph is where I actually mention my point. Get ready for it. I'll wait. Ok.

My point is that it's so very Canadian that this big deal is made about Mayor McGoose. I mean, all he did was grab some tail. In most countries that would get him a good smack or possibly a tazer shot to the nuts. You know, the standard response. We, however, send a media circus to Elbow and write articles containing things like, "Jackson said the case has virtually split Elbow into "warring camps" because some cling to the belief Maxwell is innocent, Jackson said." THERE'S DRAMA IN ELBOW!!! LOCK UP THE KIDS A STORM'S COMIN' THROUGH!!!!

Look at Washington DC. That is a city that does it right. What does their mayor get into? He smokes crack. You know what? I bet Marion Barry grabbed all kinds of ass in his day, but no one said anything. You know why? THEY WERE DISTRACTED BY HIS CRACK SMOKING! Clearly America's corrupt mayor technology is far ahead of ours.

Therefore I wish to use this public forum to put out a call to the mayors of Canada. Please, people, when you're coming up with a depraved vice, put a little effort into it. Would it be so hard for Mel Lastman to rape and murder a whore, then dump her body into a recycling bin? Couldn't Pierre Bourque kidnap some street kids and cut them up in his basement? Hell, Glen Murray is gay, couldn't he, like, sleep with a woman or something? You can do anything you put your minds to, people!

The Word 'Gun' Is Outlawed: Massive Pussies Nationwide Rejoice

The accepted new spelling.
Thankfully some dumbasses in Ottawa made sure that the word 'gun' was removed from a spelling test their daugther wrote. Very good work, Amanda and Mark Sousa, you've saved the world.

Apparently this particular family is a big gang of pacifists, and no doubt they've eliminated everything that looks like a gun from their house, including that suspicious salt shaker. One ('one' being 'me') has to wonder how long they'd stick to this pacifist thing if they'd had a boy, who, being a boy, would go around kicking every slightly fleshy thing in the area. I swear, if you locked Ghandi in a room with a four year old boy he'd come out a pro wrestler, and not just any pro wrestler, he'd be A-Train. But all that is beside the point.

Apparently the Sousas have a problem with public schools teaching the word "gun" to kids. Seriously. Check it out:

"I realize people hunt in this area, but I still don't think that warrants the teaching of this word to my daughter or any other child," said Mrs. Sousa.

Notice how I put that in a center tag it was so stupid. The mind boggles at the level of pacifististity one would have to achieve to disagree with even knowing the word "gun". I mean, when Rocco comes back from the gym and demands that little Chloe Sousa check out the size of his guns, she's going to think he's talking about his giant testicles, and he actually is, but that's not the issue.

I guess the parents are afraid that learning how to spell 'gun' will turn their 7 year old daughter into a vicious kill bot, much like that Ramsey kid. What a load of crap. When I was growing up, learning the words to describe something that might injure someone in the wrong hands wasn't a big concern. For instance, here's one of my grade one spelling tests:

  • Cat
  • Hand
  • Car
  • Bazooka
  • Goatse
  • Steve

And how did I turn out? Just fine!

Another complaint the Sousas had was that their daughter was given a picture of a gun to help study. Nevermind that it's just a picture of a gun sitting around minding it's own business, these people feel their daughter should have no idea what a gun looks like. If she ever goes to the movies, she's going to think everybody is using funny blowdryers on each other, and say what you will about guns, but it's not cool to think a Shwartzenegger movie is about a bunch of hairdressers.

My mind is boggled. I'm not kidding around here; you could look at my mind for thirty seconds and find the words "yam," "fish" and "oxymoron." I don't understand how this kind of stupid behaviour gets attention, when MERE DAYS AGO I got salt all over my shoes! You want to talk injustice, let's talk about the lack of media coverage for the condition of my footwear. I mean, holy crap, where are my taxes going? Here's what I want everyone reading this to do: write to and DEMAND that they better cover whatever I splash on my feet. Get moving, dammit!

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