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August 21, 2019

el literate

Being a sterling University of Waterloo student, I spend much of my day thinking, and occasionally one thought sticks around for a little while, and is so profound that I must share it with the world. So here is my genious for your delectable delection (?).

So anyway, today's thought started as I was listening to the fine wordsmanship of one Eminem, and I noticed the strong poetic core within his eloquent verse. What stuck out formost in my mind was how he could get for several verses in a stream of words that sound very similar, ended by a quick rhyming couplet which tied off his idea nicely. It's almost iambic pentameter.

Naturally, my thought was how well rappers could do Shakespeare. Think about it. When you read Shakespeare, you naturally fall into a sort of rhyming groove, which wobbles up and down until neatly tied off at the end of every act. Does this sound familiar?

So here is my brilliant proposal: a run of Hamlet starring: Eminem as the troubled protagonist, deeply upset by his whore of a mother, and contemplating violence, against himself or otherwise. Martina Topley-Bird as his love, wanting to be a part of his world, but with her own problems. Foxy Brown as his mother, jumping into the bed of the treacherous King, played by ODB, at her first opportunity. Q-Tip as Polonius, the clever yet foppish little man who does his best to please. Snoop Dogg could play both Rosencratz and Guildenstern, because he's just that cool. 2Pac could play Yorick (oooooo). L'il Kim should be in there somewhere just because every modern play needs some mindless nudity. The remaining roles could be filled by De La Soul and the Rascalz, since they need something to do.

Anyway, in the course of the play Eminem would stumble around stoned out of his mind while talking to himself, until (in the most overbooked ending ever) ODB decides to kill him using poisioned swords, a poisoned 40, and L'il Kim. The swords wouldn't work because everyone is holding them sideways, the 40 fails because ICP sneaks in and steals it, while nobody will touch L'il Kim. In the end, Eminem beats up everybody with vacuum cleaner attachments (his idea, not mine), then ODs on toilet pucks. The End.

I know this idea is marvellous, so if you steal it, you will be beaten within an inch of your life!!! Good day.

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