| How to have fun |
It's time once again for me to sit my dear readers down and teach them some valuable life lessons that they'll need to be productive members of society when they get out of their special housing. Quite frankly, you all can't sit around refreshing ECG DOT COM every five minutes hoping against hope for an update all the time. You've gotta get out, shake some booty, meet some chicks/guys/supple animals, and tell them all about ECG DOT COM. Now, I know how hard it is in today's world to have any fun, so I guess it's up to me to teach you how to be the Grand Pimp in the hizzy.
If you're gonna have any fun you must start before you go out the door. You can't have any fun in the animal skins you wear all day. You must dress up! Now, picking an outfit is much like picking the right golf club; if all else fails you can blugeon your caddy to death and hide the body in a water trap. However, here's some tips on assembling that fun, carefree look that will get you noticed out there.
Don't wear anything with video game characters on it. Dammit, it's not hip or cool or rad or bodacious. It's silly and screams "giant virgin". When was the last time you saw Mega Man partying down?
Make sure you wear something that will make you stand out in a crowd. Blending in is only good when you're trying to escape the many fingers of the CIA or the KGB or the French. When you're trying to partake in social funisms you must strive to be a glowing beacon of happy goodness. This may involve an attractive fin on your head, or maybe a t-shirt that says, "I masturbate into this shirt!" Whatever you decide to go with, just make sure it's unique and attention-getting.
Don't cover yourself in insects. No matter how much you may want to, covering your entire body in living, creepy crawly insects is not the way to go. You can't go around introducing yourself by saying, "Hello, my name is Aaron. I have an enormous cock and here's my beard of bees." Anybody you may have been talking to would have run away before you finished "Hello", like on the first 'l'. The fact of the matter is people just don't go for insects as apparel, so don't try to set a wacky new trend.
Where you decide to have your fun is almost as important as what you do. There's a surprisingly large number of places you can go that are just no fun, as evidenced by the dismal turnout at my recent soiree at the sewage plant. At the same time, you don't want it to be too fun, like the lesbian ranch, with its wall-to-wall free range lesbians, as it's illegal to have that much fun. I've taken the liberty of outlining some hot spots guaranteed to bring fun.
T.G.I.Friday's With a very nice menu and all kinds of stuff on the walls, if you don't have fun at T.G.I.Friday's you're probably a commie or rebel scum. I became a man at T.G.I.Fridays, thanks to a young lady who washed dishes and had a throat you could hide baseball bats in and a very liberal pooper. It was the greatest two minutes of my life. At T.G.I.Friday's, you're not just another customer, you're someone special! The preceding was a paid advertisement by T.G.I.Friday's
The middle of the damn forest As outlined in my recent trip to discover my inner ruggedness, there's no end of fun to be had in the middle of nowhere. Far away from civilization, no one will notice if you pave over everything or create a strip mine. It's great! I personally shot several bears in the heads, just so I could take their penises and sell them to Chinese medicine men. And as everybody knows, more money equals more fun!
Aria Giovanni's cleavage What do I need to say? No words, no words.... should have sent a poet...
You can't have fun if you're with the wrong crowd. As every teen movie from the 80s taught us, there's two kinds of people: the in crowd and the out crowd. You do not under any circumstances want to attempt fun with the out crowd, because it doesn't happen. The question then becomes, "ECG, how do I become a member of this magical in crowd?" Well, questing questioner, it just so happens that I've got a list for that too! Bet you didn't see that coming!
Obsess over trivialities. It's important that things that don't matter like how you look or where you are are just so. These things are very important to your chances of being accepted into the inner circle. What's important is that you mimick whatever they do, and gradually fit in. This is much like merging into highway traffic, only not like they do it in Winnipeg, you fucking morons.
Take up nasty vices. Nobody is sure why, but partaking in activities that risk your health with minimal benefit is very "in". Things like smoking or booze or smoking booze are passÍ, however. Now all the cool kids are into acid diving and biker bitch-slapping. Go ahead and try these out right now. Try not the get so cool that you die! Ahahaha!
Treat people different than you like shit Perhaps the most important part of being in the in crowd is clearly delineating who's in and who's out. You could write out a list and post it somewhere, but then you'd have to maintain it, and this would take away from time spent making sure your car is the right colour and bitch-slapping bikers. It's much easier to simply treat the people who are not in like shit. This might seem harsh, however this is the type of behaviour the differents are expecting, and they would consider it an insult if you did not fulfill this duty. It's important that when you're treating people like shit that there are as many people around as possible (by 'people' I mean important people that are in the in crowd), as humiliation requires witnesses. How you choose to treat people like shit should depend on the situation. If the person is small and weak follow them around flailing like a sissy, making sure to point at them periodically to make sure everyone knows they're the sissy, and not you. If they're retarded, follow them around and act all retarded, and point at them to make sure they know they're retarded. If they're gay, put your dick in their ass and follow them around, and then make sure you call them a fag.
| If you follow all these tips, you'll be having all kinds of fun in no time. No doubt you already feel more exciting, and maybe even a little vigourous. Use these lessons wisely, my friend. And remember; fun is fun, but for the love of God, don't invite Bob Hope over. Fucker steals silverware. |
Man, I HATE that guy!