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August 21, 2019

2004 Canadian Federal Election Coverage (Or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love A Moose)

Canadian politics are always a stirring grabbag of vitrol and widespread apathy. When approximately 50% of the country holds some kind of public office you can't help but be both deeply involved in the political process while also deeply not caring about it.

However this year is different: all the newspapers say so. In a time of great political upheaval Canadians are ready to head to the polls like never before. Unfortunately they can't head to the American polls due to some kind of technicality. Like true Canadians we're going to settle for second best, in our own federal elections coming up June 28.

As a news junkie and confirmed asshole, I've taken it upon myself to round up the top leaders running for the position of Prime Minister this Monday. My only wish is that after reading this fair and balanced coverage you will head to the virtual polls to spoil your virtual ballot. Virtually.

The Liberal Party: Paul Martin

Did somebody say... sandwich?
Martin is the "incumbent" in that when Jean Chretien retired he sort of dumped the party on his lap. Martin used to be finance minister on Chretien's Cabinet until a blow up on highly rated Canadian Big Brother led to Martin's resignation. Now he's large and in charge and somehow is a giant target for everything bad Chretien did. He was also involved in a giant party funding scandal, which was so engaging I failed to pay attention to it. That's pretty damn engaging. At the televised debate which appeared to be on the set of Beat the Geeks with lower production values he spent two hours shrugging and giving the nation his best "Aw shucks" looks, a quality we look for in a leader, as precedented by popular Prime Minister Jeb "Jus' A Boy" Hapner. The last Prime Minister who took control of the party when the prior leader retired didn't fare so well. Kim Campbell and her party were destroyed so badly they weren't even close to being an official party. However this may or may not be due to the fact that she's a woman, and therefore inferior at the politics. What, was she going to bake the nation a pie? Not bloody likely!

The Platform: Bring Canada's health system into the 21st Century by boosting funding to hospitals badly in need of it ever since he cut funding as Finance Minister.

Why You Should Vote For Him: You shouldn't, really, but as we'll soon cover he's Canada's answer to John Kerry. Why the long face, Paul? Ahahaha that never gets old!

The Conservative Party: Steven Harper

This is what Google Image Search turns up for "Steven Harper". Honest.
A few months back the right wing Progressive Conservative Party and the righter-right wing National Alliance merged to form an unstoppable super-party like two nebulous tubby white guy Transformers. At the helm of this super party is Steven Harper, former leader of the Alliance and hailing from Canada's own Texas, Alberta. Canadian right wing is considerably more moderate than most right wing, and Harper is running on a fairly tame platform. However his promises of tax cuts plus ramped up military spending has Canada's collective leftie nuts in a knot. More than a few people have noticed resemblances to a certain American President's views, compounded to the fact that Harper was and is a loud supporter of the invasion of Iraq. It's easy to understand why you'd support the invasion before it happened, because Powell brought antrhax into the United Nations. Anthrax! What more proof could you need? However to still support going there, when a mechanized George Orwell is merrily skipping around town reenacting scenes from Full Metal Jacket, and four of the five faces of Satan are clearly visible in the night sky seems a little ludicrous. When Canada decided not to support the invasion Harper wrote a tearful editorial in the New York Times apologizing on behalf of Canada. This was unfortunate as America had no idea Canada hadn't signed on to join the invasion. Some of them even thought they were invading Canada. The big question I have is "did the Times remove all the extra 'U's in his article?" Sometimes I ask the hard questions.

The Platform: Most of the standard Evil Right Wing playbook, primarily guns guns guns, as well as shutting down gay marriage, as if anybody cares.

Why You Should Vote For Him: When Harper gets into office the first thing he'll do is give George W. Bush a series of long, skillful blowjobs, each more erotic than the last. Before you blast me for blatant left wing libel I should point out that that's part of his posted campaign, and I for one would like see that, if only to hear Bush mispronounce "You're a naughty fuck bitch".

The New Democratic Party: Jack Layton

Unretouched photo.
The NDP, as I mentioned before has a fairly well established history of shooting their mouths off over some pet issue. Lately it's Star Wars, which leader Jack Layton somehow wedges into every political discussion. Sadly this wild-eyed lad is the sole reason South Park creators think all Canadians have flappy heads and beady eyes, 'cause the man yaks like an Italian mother at a confirmation ceremony. I have no idea what that means. Much has been made of Layton's asian wife, who's also on the NDP ticket, running in a key Toronto riding. I feel not enough is made about the wild times that go on in that power-bedroom. "Who's Jack? Who's Jack? Yeah! Yeah! I'm Jack! I'm the big man! I'm JAAAAAAAAAACK!" That's some hot shit. This time around the NDP is doing far better than it has in recent history, partly due to widespread disgust with the current Liberal government, causing votes to go right to the Conservatives and left to the NDP. Also: widespread fear of Star Wars, which is totally going to happen.

The Platform: Yet more social programs. No more Star Wars, dammit! They suck ever since that midochlorian bullshit!

Why You Should Vote For Him: Layton seems more like the kind of guy you'd buy rug shampoo from than ask to run your country. However his brand of shamelessly wacky left wing politics may strike a nerve with you, if you huff gas.

Bloc Quebecois: Giles Duccepe

The French ARE more naturally sexy. Rowwwr.
Some of you may have heard that Canada has some problems keeping it's French province in the country. The Bloc is the big separatist wheel driving this. Although if a wheel separated it would promptly roll in a spiral and fall over... Anyway, the Bloc, since it only runs in Quebec, has no chance of winning the election. Since it's defeat in the last referendum and various economical collapses the separtist movement hasn't been heard about too much. What the Bloc has done is combine sensible economic programs with progressive social reform. By not being a party defined by the political spectrum they've designed a methodology that is primarily concerned with improving the status of their territory. Clearly they're nuts and that would never work.

The Platform: It really doesn't matter. Vive Quebec!

Why You Should Vote For Him: During the English debate Duccepe owned everybody, coming off as well spoken, edjucated and free thinking. Clearly, he's the best man for the job. However he's a jerk who wants to split up the country, so fuck his frog ass.

The Green Party: The Leader of the Green Party

There is a Green Party too.

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