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June 27, 2017

E3 2004 In Revue

I'd play that ALL DAMN DAY!  BOOYAH!
A professional booth babe poses for Virtual Restraining Order. Post E3 she participated in Actual Restraining Order. Bitch. (Inset: big-ass appendix scar)
There's only a handful of things I'm talented or knowledgable about. For instance, I have no idea how to properly make pornography, but I certainly know how to enjoy it. Thank God for coconut oil and exotic birds that know when to keep their beaks shut. I don't know the first thing about hiring multiple amputee midgets and setting them to work in front of a camcorder covered in various layers of human effluvum, but I sure know how to pick the winners out at the local smut shop. By the same token, videogames are much like degenerate minority erotica, in that I know and enjoy all the flavours available, and send greeting cards to the producers of my favourite works.

Thus, the yearly Electronic Entertainment Expo is like some impossibly wonderful dream to me, where game developers frolick around L.A. like mystical fairies from the magical land of Whatever. As impossibly wonderful as it is to have all the latest and greatest video games on display, there's the unfortunate side effect that most games are pure garbage. For every Ninja Gaiden there's twelve Ninja Gaiden: Underground Extreme Skateboardings. That's why it's up to responsible members of the games media to sort through all the displays, cutting through the hype and reporting on what's what in the future of electronic entertainment.

Unfortunately I'm not a member of the games media; I don't have any sort of real outlet for games news, plus I'm barely coherent and aggressively lazy. Fortunately all those elements combine to allow me to report on E3 in true ECG DOT COM style: by skimming websites and then dumping out uninformed opinions in no particular order! Strap yourselves in, because everything you believe in is about to change. Unless you believe in God, because He is timeless and constant. He is my rock.

All three major game developers had their big press conferences, which were their chance to hype up whatever new thing they're about to crap out. Nintendo had their usual array of sequels to popular franchises that are similar to the last sequel except now they have a refreshing minty taste or possibly some kind of magic hat. Also, they showed off their new GameBoy, which has two screens. When asked the purpose of a dual screen GameBoy they were all like, "Dude! Two!" Sony showed off their latest games. Well, not really, but they did have their own portable console, which, while only having one screen, had magical powers like the ability to cure cancer and turn water to wine. Also: bad D-pad. Microsoft had no souls. And Halo 2.

And now the rundown on the great big deals of the show:
  • Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater - At first I thought this game would be all about giving Snake blowjobs, picking up on the unecessarily sexed-up vibe of the last game. However it turns out that a big part of the game takes place in the jungle, where you have to survive by capturing and eating snakes. Of course there will be a giant twist early in the game when you end up having to GO VEGETARIAN. Dear God do these people have no SHAME? Cobbling together a nice humus from local plants and berries will teach the depraved youth of the world how to better the planet by leaving the cute cuddly snakes and alligators alone, and then giving everybody sass for daring to eat meat. I know I wasn't fond of the last game, but this one looks like a winner!
  • Capcom makes fighting game with every character ever - In what seems like a slightly overly ambitious plan Capcom is working on a game featuring every sprite-based character they've ever had, in some cases using the original sprites. I know a lot of people pick on Nintendo for rehashing the same stuff over and over again, those lazy dicks, but this seems a little, oh, I don't know, cashy-inny? Were the Capcom fat cats sitting around thinking of the best way to make a bunch of money with the least amount of effort, because I think they succeeded. Actually, good move, Capcom.
  • EA finally agrees to use X-Box Live - After refusing to make their games playable on Live for ages in favour of their own subscription service EA finally caved and went along with Microsoft. History will forever remember this as a victory for little guy Microsoft over the oppressive all-encompassing giants at EA. The revolution is now. Unfortunately I never play sports games because if I wanted to play football I'd play football.
  • GTA4 - The latest installment in the organized crime action experience is coming exclusively to PlayStation 2. Once again Sony can thumb their noses at Nintendo for making games for little kids, because sitting around pretending to drive dangerously and have comical virtual sex with streetwalkers is extremely mature.
  • Sega takes over Matrix Online production - Warner Brothers took one look at the massively multiplayer online role playing game being developed for the Matrix series and realized that it was a giant piece of crap. This isn't something anybody who's seen the screen shots couldn't figure out on their own, however it is surprising that a movie company would give a god damn about the quality of a tie-in game. It's less surprising that they'd hand the thing over to a company that has done absolutely nothing like this before, but is a big name among non-gamers. Nice try Warner Brothers, but the suck is not coming off the Matrix anytime soon!
  • LucasArts announces a million new Star Wars games - Remember what I said about crappy movie-game tie-ins? *EMOTICON*
  • Well looks like we've got a giant steaming heap of fun coming down the pipe this year, and I for one can't wait to be on the recieving end of a hot faceful of it! Ciao, darlings!

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