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June 26, 2019

A Chat With Fred Durst

Editor's Note: Every time Mr. Durst makes a stupid face and says something dumb to the camera in a high pitched voice, his words will be bolded and italicized. For instance, "Get wasted!" Thank you for your cooperation.

Here at the ECG DOT COM entertainment department we strive to bring you, the reader, the big name celebrities for interview segments. That is why I truly wish to apologize with all my heart for only being able to bring you Fred Durst, lead singer for Limp Bizkit. However, I am the type to make lemonaide out of lemons and mountains out of molehills and hats out of my own feces, so onward I push as I discover what Fred's been up to.

We'll be talking about the myriad and issues in his life recently, from the search for a new lead guitar to his on-again / off-again fling with Britney Spears to the long development process on the new Limp Bizkit album, Chinese Democracy.

Yes, it's a new interview picture, and I think it's pure money.

Fred. First of all, welcome to the secluded ECG DOT COM ranch and pizza factory. How are you today?

Yo! Let's get ready to light it up!

Indeed. Anyway, first question: you're the leader of a huge band, a master of doing cameos and vice president of a recording company. All this was achieved by simply cornering the young white male angst market utilizing a bare minimum of talent. My question is, do you have magical powers and if so can you heal the sick and if so can I touch you and cure my impotence?

Well you know, everything we've earned as a band has come from a lot of hard work and good business decisions. What's important is that you never stop moving and keep building on what you've done before. Oh, and I also sold my soul to Don King. Regarding my magical powers, check my wand, yo!

You've been taking your sweet time finding a new guitarist, going so far as to beg Wes Borland to come back. A lot of people might say that Wes had all the real talent in the band, which isn't too hard to believe if one has heard you 'rapping'. Would you say that you'd let Wes rename the band Wes Borland's Rodeo Drive-Thru and House of Burlesque and then put his thingie up your yoo-hoo if it meant he'd come back?

Hey those contracts were supposed to be destroyed We had a good working relationship with Wes and would of course let him back in, but Limp Bizkit is still Limp Bizkit with or without him. Remember, no matter what my penis is really small and I'm pretty pissed about that.

Hey, how the crap did you use the strike tag while talking? Anyway, you've been working on Chinese Democracy for a long time now, so long that people are starting to doubt whether it's going to come out at all. I can imagine that you'd be pretty burned out after the last album; it must have taken quite a bit of effort to rhyme "nookie" with "cookie". Have the creative juices dried up?

Well first of all I'd like to repeat my previous statement about my tiny dick and how it angers me. That said, we did feel that the usual Limp Bizkit sound was getting a little tired, particularly in the guitar lines, so we switched it up a bit. Now we're using all kinds of new instruments, like the harpsicord and the flugelhorn and the mandolin.

The flugelhorn? The fancy German trumpet?

That horn is dope, yo!

Uh, ok then. Anyway, let's move on to some of the shenanigans you've partaken in in your personal life. Normally I am loathe to dig into celebrities' lives, but you're a bloody awful artist, so you see my dilemma. Anyway, on the Limp Bizkit website, which is chock full of long E/N posts about your life, you wrote a long and embarrasingly sappy anecdote about your relation with Britney Spears. Then, hours later it was deleted. Finally, you made some comments about how wild she was in the sack, and I understand that you're a big rock star, but there's a line between "You da man!" and "Yeah, ok, whatever, dude" and you, my friend, crossed that line. So what I'm getting at is this: when you face Number 5 from Slipknot on Fox's Celebrity Boxing ten years from now, do you think you'll get hit in the nose, bleed and faint five seconds in, or manage to stay up long enough to lose on points?

I... I... Oh God I'm so alone!

Hey... hey! I'm sorry, Fred, I didn't mean to make you cry! Sometimes I forget how ominous and domineering my interviewing style can be. Come here. Put your head on my shoulders. There there, everything is going to be alright.

*sniff* Can I have a cookie ECG?

What? Fuck no!
And then I kicked his lily white ass to the curb. I've been around long enough to know a cheap play for sweet treats when I see it, and that boy is a master. Don't worry though, this is just tough love. He'll be ok in the end.

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