| What you're about to read is a highly unauthorized reprinting of a typical day after email from Davin. Do not feel shame if you are too weak to continue. |
These things are a tale of excess. They're a tale of excess stupidity. They're also by far the longest and most coherent thing Davin ever writes. He's like some kind of fucked-up new age monk.
Its times like these that make me so happy, it brings a tear to my eye. By Dav-Dawwwwwg
Good Afternoon Everyone,
As you know, whenever there is a big drinking event, and I'm there, you always get some form of email explaining a day in the life of Davin Luke the Sunday morning afterwards, so here it is.....My drinking esapades of the WCRI BEER OLYMPICS from the time of 7p.m. to 4.a.m.
7:00p.m. Pot Luck dinner at Jamie Whites house - I thoroughly primed myself with three glasses of Rye and Coke(Supplied by the South Servery because COOP is a communist regime and we should share everything with everybody including food/drinks/shelther and ECO SOFT TOILET PAPER). The awesome food prepared by everyone (and the shitty chester's fried chicken which some asshole brought) gave my stomach a pre-emptive warning of the destruction it would receive in the hours to come.
8:05p.m. After promising Ge-off to help him carry beer out of the fridge at 7:30, I decided I am a selfish bastard and will arrive fashionably late to partake in the first servings of what is known as UBREW BungHole Flavour Beer.
8:06p.m. First beer injection complete
8:07p.m. Taste buds telling me I should finger myself in the throat to save myself the pain of having to shit this stuff out in the morning and give my unit mates a bad form of bronchitis.
9:30ish Some bitch decides to organize a boat race in which South Team loses to the Rest of Coop Team because some 6'4 Redneck cannot down 1.5 beers and makes a puke face saying "Buddy..hEHEHEH...HEHEHEHE.....Buddy I think I'm going to puke ....HEHEHEH... HEHEHHEEH........." - Brandon
10:00 I decide to harass Redneck about his drinking ability, and out comes the racial slurs from Rednecks mouth, in which I jump over the Serving counter to layeth some smacketh down, only to be grabbed on both sides of the Gap Cargo Pants and Wedgied till both my nutz almost get cut by my Ralph Lauren Boxers. Redneck procedes to ram my back against the door where I swear to god, some disc in my spine got dislocated.
10:10 I make what looks like a puke face :p at Redneck....resulting in him grabbing my ass and flipping me upside down, where by natural animal instinct and chauvinistic behaviour I decide to grab Jana's Hair and/or breasts , wherby she bumps into her hubby Sex Offender STeve and thus spilling skank beer on her head travelling down her back, like Michael Jackson running out of a daycare center.
10:30 Realizing Jana will no longer come back to the party, I decide to use what drunk persuasive skillz I have and run over to b-div to convince her. After barging through the door to a half undressed La Senza-esque Jana Harman, I started talking dirty to her...I mean I started asking her to come back to the party and apologizing profusely adding the words "Bitch","mothafucka", "fuck" , "what the fuck?" , to my list of vocabulary to convince her.
10:35p.m. Jana and I are in the washroom teaching Kelsey how to sit in the bathtub
10:37p.m. I get kicked out of the house. Deciding to be an ass, I stick my head back in the apartment for one more time to get her to go to the party only to have my head stuck between the door frame and the door after Jana decided to slam it shut on my head. I felt no pain, but I knew I lost 20 minutes of drinking time.....
11:00p.m. I can't really see
12:00p.m. Somehow I get to the Bomber......I see Ben Cyphery sitting at the table by the big screen. After admiring the big plastic beer bottles they won or purchased, I decide to open the cap on it and accidently knock the Molsen Dry off the table and landing the beer straight to my crotch area and splash damaging the girl sitting next to Chris. The cold beer caused immediate shrinkage...I decided its time to hit the dance floor.
12:01p.m. Bronwyn and her hot friends ditched our asses for hotter guys, making me realize once and for all spending 55 bucks on nice cologne doesn't make you look hotter.
12:10p.m. Redneck's deep voice scored him 4 moosehead reindeer head bands with the waitress. I got one.
12:20p.m. Under the perfect lighting and with beer goggles in place, some hot chick that looked like cindy loper started to stroke my antlers and ask for my name. I immediate responded with utmost intelligence and turned from drunk bastard to mack daddy Davin in less then 2 seconds.
12:21p.m. Not giving a rats ass about her friends, I barged into their inner dancing circle and proceded to start a conversation with cindy loper. I forgot her name 4 times througout the conversation. Her friends gave me dirty looks. So I struck up a conversation with them and found out they are in AHS and knows Heather Ward. I used that to my utmost advantage to get on their good terms so I can continue my conversations with antler rubber.
12:25p.m. Jenny Barges in and says she is jetting. I say my goodbyes to the ladies and start going on my way out. Then I said to myself, what the fuck, some girl rubbed my antlers and I'm going home, screw this shit, I'm staying. So I go back to the ladies and continue to be all charming and shit. I give the girl my antlers and as I was about to ask for a number, her friends drag her out of the bar. I stood there staring at the black wall asking myself why I shouldn't just make things easier and turn gay.
12:26p.m. I saw some girl with a tank top and a short skirt and decided being straight is really the way to go.
12:30p.m. I see Bram, Browyn, and Friends. I dish out the dance moves.
12:31p.m. Me and Bram are dancing alone together again after being ditched again.
12:40p.m. My belly is aching for greasy food and I decide to walk home by myself.
12:50p.m. Who the fuck is going to go to mel's with me? I search through all the buildings of South only to be shunned by all my friends(Tom, Geoff, Bai, Steve, thanks guys for always being supportive). Realizing that I talk like Rocky Balboa after getting his ass cleaned out by Dolph Lundren, I decided the only people that will understand me are my unit mates because I always come back to them drunk and retarded and they seemed to have learned througout the months what words are coming out of my mouth. Booya-licous...Darryl and Inga looked at me and we knew Mel's is the next stop.
1:30a.m. We sit at the bar stools at mel's. A hot honey is sitting next to me. At this point, I realized if I tried to talk to her, her friend would probably grab her and leave the restaurant, so I ignored her while she babbled to me about how the food is so great and that we ordered all this good stuff, and I sometimes wonder why hot girls are dumb as a post. But this one had the amount of brain cells inversly proportional to how many times Britney Spears had sex before she met N'sync.
2:00ish. We leave mel's diner. The Molsen Dry's from the bomber hit me and my face immediately turns retarded and I start trying to keep drool from dribbling down my lower lip.
2:30.a.m. I want to drink some more. I search through all the buildings. Everyone is sleeping.
2:50a.m. I find Boring Jeff sitting on first floor watching 80's music videos. I join him.
3:00a.m. We communicate to each other without saying a single word by sending brain waves to each other.
3:30a.m. The most emotional and rivetting conversation of the 21st century begins:
Jeff: " Ya man"
Davin: " You know what?"
Davin: "I'm going to go to bed now"
3:30a.m. Naked in bed with 2 girls
3:35a.m. Wake up from the can and wipe my ass
3:50a.m. Pass out. And dream about baseball, apple pie, all things that are good, and all things that are American..........
4:00a.m. Wake up. Where the fuck am I? How did I get home? Why do I drink? liver check.......nothing hurts, all good to go for the Brick brewery tour on tuesday.
4:01a.m. LIGHTS OUT
MORAL: The difference between a good friend and a friend:
Friend: You get drunk, you knee them in the wang, you bitch slap them, you fart in their face, and laugh like a little school girl In the morning: Friend is Now Your Enemy and will no longer talk to you.
Good Friend: You get drunk, you knee them in the wang, you bitch slap them, you fart in their face, and laugh like a little school girl. In the morning: Your naked picture is up on www.amIaSlutOrNot.com and your friend, looks forward to the next time you go out, get trashed, and make a fool of yourself.
Werd. Thanks for listening. Enjoy and remember, I'm only going to live till I'm 46.