| Internet Shenanigans |
This weekend ECG DOT COM feature target Davin threw a little keg party. Much alcohol was consumed and a good time was had by all. One thing Davin likes to do is after a major drinking event he writes lengthy mass emails describing how his ass is feeling today and how much he hates secret crush Amaya. Here's the one he sent out today:
| Ladies and Gentleman, |
Well, I believe last night marked the retirement of my keggar throwing regime. Before I delve into the meat of some of the events last night, I would first like to thank my roomates, and natasha, jesse, and brandon next door for their help and combined effort in making last night's shindig a success. Then I will next like to thank you guys for coming down and making this party a party. At the height of the party, we had about 125 people show up. A lot of you drove for hours to come to this thing, so I really appreciate it, and it was good to see some old faces again. Now, let me tell you the story of Winter Keggar 2003 in the words of a very drunk yet extremely good looking asian man.
========================================= PARTY BEGINS ===============================================
I told everyone to arrive at the party at 9:00 p.m. sharp or they will get no booze. Everyone involved in the setup were finished moving furniture at 7:00. The urge to resist drinking was too much....so we did a whole shit load of "taste testing". Knowing my friends, when I say the party is going to start at 9, everyone shows up at 8:30. So the official cracking of the kegs happened at approxminate 8:35.
========================================= MONEY COLLECTING ==========================================
Unlike last time though, Davin was ready for all of y'all. I was collecting money left, right, center, and even during pee breaks. I wore the keggar pants. i.e. the cargo pants. Within half an hour, there was enough money in my right pocket to make me walk all limpy and shit like a gangsta who has right testicles the size of florida grapefruits. I must commend all of you. Because this is the first Keg party where nobody gave me 10 dollars in loose change. So guys, pat yourselves on the back for a job well done. It almost brought tears to my eyes, because all of you waving 20 and 50 dollar bills in my face really did make me feel like a very respectable high class whore.
========================================= COAT CHECK ================================================
Grey steel plated headboards. Posturepedic Mattress. The soft cotton sheets waiting for company. And indeed, company it did find. Your fucking coats. I walked into my room at 11:00. My pad of love was covered with more layers of winter clothing than my grandmother opening the freezer for the first time.
========================================= THE PARTY ================================================
There was plenty of booze to go around. I think most people liked the beer. I liked the beer. And the can this morning most definately liked the beer. The kegs were bought from Gold Crown Brewery for $143 dollars a piece. It was a good bargain. The new guy working at the brewery really appreciated me walking up to the front desk with $1000 in cash of 20 dollar bills. Let me tell you, it took him 20 minutes to count the cash. I felt good making the new guy work harder than the combined efforts of five little kids knitting my Gap sweaters in a third world country. Anyways, back to the point, most people got trashed. I hope. As the host, I most definately got trashed. As always, I will apologize for things that I may have said or done that may be offensive. Girls, you know that hand that grabbed your butt and you looked around and didn't see anybody....that was me baby. I'm just kidding, I grabbed no ass. However, I got my ass grabbed more than 5 times last night. Everyone was smiling last night and the place was packed so I didn't know who did it. However, I did notice that Premek Bakowski had an extra big smile for some reason.
I believe the girls appreciated the vodka drinks. Everyone kept on telling me they weren't strong enough. I would like to clarify this issue by saying I dumped over 1.5 60's of vodka into each side of the juice machine. So most definately there was lots of alcohol in there. I just made my concoction of killer kooler "appear" to taste more watered down because I was afraid Bram might find it too strong ( NO hard feelings bram).
All-in-all, as I scanned the party, It looked like everyone was rowdy, having fun, and I am happy that nobody puked at the party.
========================================= THE CAN ===================================================
Friends, I know you guys all want to get your money's worth, but is holding out going to the pisser till your bladder is capable of putting out a small scale forest fire really worth it? As I walked up the stairs of both apartments I saw many guys grabbing their balls. I saw many girls hunched over. Everyone had beads of sweat dripping from their forhead. I also most definately heard what appeared to be a fire hose in the washroom. Everyone was holding out till the last minute before running up to the can. I checked our toilet bowl this morning and noticed that the grime on the edges are all gone. I would like to thank you guys because you essential power hosed our can for us and saved us a can clean. Thank you. I hate scrubbing cans.
======================================== MEL's DINER =================================================
As tradition dictates, I always say "fuck it" and leave my own party before its over. Anyways, me Heather, Tyler, and Mark went to Mel's for some grub. I don't recall ordering food but it came. I also spilled water all over my lap. The kind waitress filled my glass up again. Then I proceded to spill it all over my lap again. By the time we left mel's, my pants were so wet and tight I swear to God I heard my nutz tell me that they aren't going to give me any kids in the future. I told my nutz If they don't give me any kids I swear to God I would drop trough and make them freeze out in the cold. They listened.
========================================= FIRE ALARM ================================================
I guess one can't hope for everything. Though the night was a major success, there is always one or two assholes out there that want to cause shit. When I got back from Mel's the party was still going. It was 3:00a.m. and I was quite surprised to see that there was still a little bit of booze remaining and people wandering around. Anyways, as I was conversing with random people, the fire alarm goes on. Let me tell you something, my friends, I have never been so furious in my life. The one thing that I didn't want to happen at this party, happened. I swear to God if I get my hands on the man who pulled tje alarm I will shove my boots so far up his ass the lump on his throat is his nose (quote stolen from Band of Brothers). Anyways, this signalled the end of our party. Everyone froze their asses outside. The Firemen walked inside. They walked back out looking all pissed and shit. I had a sudden urge to beat the crap out of the first Fireman can I noticed a little purple on his lips. I think the dirty bastard drank some of our Killer Koolaid when he was suppose to be checking for fires. Anyways, to cut a long story short, I think I know who pulled the fire alarm. The wrath of Davin is not something to be taken lightly my friends. If I ever see this guy, rest assured, whatever ninja skills were passed down to be my great ancestors will be unleashed with fury. Peace.
========================================= ALL IS WELL ALL IS DONE ======================================
Well, our place is in tact. It just smells like beer. Everyone, I had a lot of fun last night. I tried my best to come around and talk to each of you....even in my drunken state. I hope that I was understandable. Once again, thanks for making this a good party. Thanks for coming out. For those of you who had birthdays, Happy Birthday, thanks for your $10. For those of you who are graduating this term, remember this keg party and know that 20 years from now when I call upon you again, you will arm your livers and prepare for battle again. And so ends another keggar and another Saturday Morning Email. Have a good term guys.
p.s. My roomate Bai passed out @ 12 and slept through the fire alarm. Don't tell him a some people went into his room and peed on his head. He just thinks he woke up all sweaty.......
Somehow (and if I had to guess I'd say the French did it) an email was sent out to the mailing list from "David Lake." It went like this:
| Once again my friends we come to the end of another marathon session of drunken shenanigans. This wasn't just the end of drunken shenanigans, this was something special. This was the very last kegger to take place in the COMMUNIST COOP WHICH IS RUN BY FIDEL CASTRO WITH AN IRON FIST. While I was sitting on the toilet taking very graphic notes on what was happening to my ass a little tear ran down my face because I knew this was the end of an era. I get a little Judy Garland when I think about all the good times coming to an end, so let's just try to describe the night, girlfriendz. |
ACT 1: The Set Up
The most important part of every kegger is making sure my nutz are properly bathed. I use Herbal Essences shampoo on my delicates to make sure my treasure trail is at it's sparkliest. Let me tell all of ya'll right now that those commercials are a lie and my nutz had no organic experiences, aight? That's why I had to start the agressive masturbation into the garbage can, and I'd like to apologize to all the people that walked in on me. Yeah I invited you but I'm an artist so don't try to question the artistic integrity of me and my nutz aight.
ACT 2: Tapping the Keg
We cracked the kegs open faster than Amaya and my mother can strip in a seedy hotel room for the erotic pleasure of Steve Buscemi. At first we were having some troubles getting the taps to work but then I used my nutz or my ass or possibly both or maybe my man tits to somehow get it working aight, aight?
I'd just like to state for the record that in fact I enjoy beer.
ACT 3: The Bash
First of all if I didn't get the chance to talk to you last night I'm sorry as there were a lot of people to talk to and I was collecting genetic samples so that some day I can create a loyal army of clones to crush my enemies like filthy little gnats, aight. By 10:00 the place was more packed than the crotch of my pants after I put three socks in there before the party, and it was twice as sweaty.
I'd also like to apologize to any girls and boys I offended with my sexual advances. I'm sorry you'll never experience the awesome might of my sexual prowess. You're just going to have to get your own chocolate syrup and box of garter snakes to try and reproduce the sensation at home aight.
ACT 4: The Denouement
As the party winded down some ass pulled the fire alarm on my floor. It wasn't at all like the Titney Spears video "Slave 4 U lol" where the sprinklers went off and the whole place turned into a massive orgy, which was embarassing because I had my fiddlestick out and ready to go before the second chime. All that was left to do was wait for the big strong firemen to come with their big hoses and maybe spray us all down.... excuse me.... ok, I'm back. Yeah, so the fire alarm went off and I was all "What the fuck?" and this guy was like, "I understand your distress. Perhaps you wish to further eludicate on this quandry over an appartif at my chateau?" and I was like, "Werd." You know, the usual.
So finally things came to an end. I hope all of ya'll had a good time and nobody caught my massively contagious rash. Just remember that in the future I won't be around to flagrantly break liquor laws so be sure to pass the tradition along to the kidz, aight?
Well, Davin blamed me for this one, which I suppose is somewhat justified as I write everything hillarious on the Internet. So he set out to get revenge by sending an email to all his friends writing as me, and sending it using his own Hotmail account. I'm not sure what this was supposed to accomplish, but I'm a little worried that this is some sort of sneaky personal assault that will move mountains and stuff. I dunno. It was terribly nice of him to plug my site for me. What a sweetie! Anyway, here's what my bio would look like if I were a gay fourteen year old boy:
| Hey guys, |
I'm usually a really quiet guy, so you don't hear from me much. I really am not that quiet, Its just that my mouth is generally sore after trying to keep my 86% Computer Science average whenever I go visit the prof for extra after-hour credit. Anyways, many of you don't really know too much about me so I figure maybe I can tell you all a little about myself for starters.
Well, I am originally from Winnipeg. Its pretty cold there. So cold in fact my parents decided to knock boots in the parking lot after a Winnipeg Jets hockey game in '79. I think that incident in particular is where I got my name and when life as me first began. See, my dad's name is Ron. And while my parentalia were getting jiggy with it, my mom coudln't stop yelling "AAAAAHHH RON". So when I was born, they decided to call me Aaron.
Coming from an Asian Dad and a Newfie mom, I grew up feeling a little shafted. Having only a 1 inch penis, an urge to fish everytime someone tells me to go find a job, and turning more red than an altar boy's ass after missing morning prayer when I drink, life was tough back in the day.
I spent one year at University of Manitoba in computer science. After realizing that the class was 80% girls, I thought I would have a better chance at bum-love if I travel to University of Waterloo...and so I did.
5 years I spent in Waterloo. 4 and a half of them I spent in my room. The remaining half was spent playing video games or excessive masturbation. So I feel that I live a pretty active lifestyle. I have a lot of interests and hobbies. See, I created my own web site called www.elcybergoth.com. My site contains lots of funny articles and general useless info that attracts basically all the social degenerates from Canada and the U.S. I also post naked pictures of Davin for the world to see. I don't know why I do it. But all I know is if I posted my own naked picture, I'd probably see myself on the next episode of "60 minutes" with barbara walters talking about Child Pornography and the Internet.
I also enjoy cooking, baking, male cyclists who wear silky smooth spandex shorts, and of course my left hand.
I go to the gym as often as possible. Not because I want to look good, but because I like community showers. My favourite brand of soap is unquestionably Zest because its the most slippery when wet. That way, I tend to drop the soap lots in the shower. It gives me a warm fuzzy feeling inside when I bend over to pick it up in front of everyone.
My roomate steven drops by everyday and tells me I'm gay. Steven thinks its funny and its a joke. Little does he know how excited I get at the thought of his blindingly pale white french ass. And let me tell you, the hole in his 22 year old grimy teddy bear isn't there because of wear and tear, I thought I'd help the little furry guy out with a little bit of "re-stuffing" if you catch my drift.
If you've seen me lately, you might notice that my right eye is a little red. I seem to have contracted some kind of eye virus. I'm not too sure what it is, but it started ever since Davin came over to clean our can for $10 bucks and I found a couple strands of curly hair on my contacts which were left on top of the can. Unless Davin did a bad job of cleaning, and accidently dropped them on our pube infested floor, I don't know how my eyes are so itchy all the time.
Anyways, I should get going now, I just finished watching a Ted Danson movie and I feel the need to go take a 40 minute shower. I hope with this email being sent out, people will have a better idea of who I am as a person and ask me to have bum sex with them at the next party.
So there you have it! What an exciting mess of fun! Ok, get lost now!