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August 21, 2019

Men of Duty: Commando Squad Delta

I never considered myself hero material. In fact, I've gone out of my way to establish that I am in fact the opposite of a hero: a porn star. However, when my government needed me to help form an elite group of highly trained commandos, I was there to help. After all, somebody has to do Canada's dirty work. Somebody has to do the shit out of it.

I arrived at Fort Goldberg at 0600. Minutes after I was off the bus I got my uniform, military haircut and inaugural drunken pillow fight. Then it was time to meet the boys. Each of us had our own special skill. The purpose of training was to hone us into a tightly knit band of ass-kicking ass-kickers. We'd spend weeks bonding over bad army food, communal toilets and golfing mishaps. Let me introduce you to the greatest men I've ever known.

Eyes that could bore through steel

Frankie "Icepick" Osborne
Function: Tactics, Assault

From the moment Icepick walks in the door you know that he's a man born for what he does. Pound-for-pound he's more dangerous than an incredibly light exploding cigar. He knows more ways to kill a man than the entire writing staff of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation. Once the cook in the mess hall gave him the wrong sauce on his duck a l'orange; we still don't know where 57% of that man's body is. His autobiography, Icepick On Icepick spent three weeks on the New York Times bestseller list, because every other book is for PUSSIES. I'm just glad he's on our side.

He may look a little fancy but don't tell him that!

"Salad" Joe Jingles
Function: Sniper

Salad Joe isn't just a camping whore with that faggot AWP bullshit, he's a hell of a Latin dancer. You wouldn't expect a man who waits in the bushes for hours to get that one perfect shot to rhymically entrall and slightly arouse you with his peppy salsa steps, but night after night he delivered. Don't believe for a second that Salad Joe is some kind of swishy unmanly commando: just because he has a love for motion don't forget that he shoots people in the head for a living. Plus, he's well versed in the Lambada, and that's the forbidden dance.

Poised for explosive fun

Steve "Angry Walrus" Glupendale
Function: Demolitions expert

If you need something blown up you can always count on Angry Walrus to explode things a whole lot. Sometimes he blows up things you don't even need blown up, like crates of fruit or pictures of puppies. That's how dedicated he is to demolitions. He's also the funny member of the group, way funnier than me. It's really amazing how the punchline to all his jokes involve him humping your leg and shouting, "Who's the big dog now???" and it's funny every time.

Flexing for Yahweh

Andrew "Rabbi" Mellonberg
Function: Jew

Rabbi, the team Jew can always be counted on to take care of Hebrew-related commando matters. Some people question what an elite Commando team needs somebody to specifically be a Jew for, but those people have clearly never been in the field of battle when the shit is flying and the blue jeans are too damn tight. It's in those situations where having a Jew along makes the difference between going home in a body bag and going home in a body bag covered in pork fat.

Deep in thought

Aaron "Pandero" Young
Function: Video Game Expert, Tremendous Faggot

As the team's video game expert and tremendous faggot I felt obscenely qualified to fulfill one role and totally, incredibly underqualified for the other. Specifically, I'm totally kick-ass at playing video games, while my faggotry skills are amazingly poor. Still, I have a job to do and Canada expects my best, so I put on a brave face in the face of homosexual activity.


The task was straightforward; a mock mission was set up where the objective was to take out a high ranking general, played by TV's Tony Danza. We were to quietly sail in on a boat in the dead of night, elude or disable any guards we encountered, kill Tony Danza and safely escape.

The landing was the easy part. There were 14 guards staring out to the ocean, but Icepick managed to take them all out using only a single grain of sand. We made it to the base where Angry Walrus blew up a bunker, then cracked a joke and stared humping Icepick's leg. We're going to miss Angry Walrus. We made a break across the yard with cover provided by Salad Joe up in a tower.

The target was holed up in a building, "entertaining" the troops with his off-Broadway song and dance routine. I used my faggot powers to distract a guard by singsonging, "Yoo-hoo!" When his back was turned Icepick ripped out his colon through the ear. I'm pretty sure we weren't supposed to kill people on a training mission but I wasn't about to tell Icepick that.

Once inside the building we were confronted by an unexpected defender: a vampire. I told the boys that we'd have to make the sign of the cross to drive it off, but Rabbi wasn't too keen on that idea. I told him that the fucking Star of David wasn't going to do anything to a vampire but he wasn't having it. He pulled out his dradle and spun it toward the vamp. Once it was close it exploded spectacularly, clearing our way. Thank God for our Jew, and God Bless America.

Anyway, nothing was standing between us and Tony Danza. We stormed into his office, tucking into rolls and hiding behind furniture, but we needn't have bothered because he was standing around in the middle of his office. We said hello to Tony Danza and he said hello back. We had a brief conversation, however eventually it was time to make with the stabbing. I got ready to do so, but at the last second my eyes met with Tony Danza, and I just couldn't go through with it. I don't know if it was his Italian charm or pity caused by his shambles of a career, but I just could not stab Tony Danza. And so we failed the test.

In the debriefing General Fancypants demanded to know why we didn't kill Tony Danza. None of us could explain what happened, so he declared that whoever was responsible had better stand up or we would ALL be kicked out of the program. After a bit Salad Joe stood up. Then Rabbi, followed by Icepick. Out in the hall Manny the janitor stood up, and in the yard outside the entire cast of The Cosby Show piled out of a van and then stood up. I'm not sure what that was about but I appreciate the gesture. In New York a bunch of frat guys unscrewed the Statue of Liberty and pulled her down with Ford F150s, then stood her back up. Then General Fancypants stood up, and he also made Ricardo, his magical singing parrot stand up. Finally, I stood up. At that moment everyone else sat down really fast, leaving me standing alone. Those bastards.

I was out of the program. I learned a lot, and bonded, sometimes literally with my killing machine brothers. But I guess in the end it wasn't meant to be. I guess I should have known from the beginning; I'm borderline retarded.

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