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August 21, 2019

elexpose: What's in the condom machine?

As a daring member of the Internet media conglomerate Stu Manley Associates and Fond Countrymen it is my duty to probe deeply into the pressing mysteries of this wild wacky world we live in. That's why it behooves me to determine for the sake of humanity exactly what is actually in the condom machine in my local laundry room. The average simpleton would say, "Duh. Condoms!" and then punch my groin, but I wouldn't be any kind of journalist if I took the word of the guy restocking the condom machine at face value.

Instead I stole into the laundry room in the dead of night, took out the shiny Loonie of Truth, placed it into the slot and turned the handle. Something unexpected emerged from the machine. It was the loonie. Apparently the condom machine doesn't like the weight of the Loonie of Truth, so I tried the Quarters of Investigative Journalism. Those didn't work either, so I traded some guy the Loonie of Truth for four Quarters of Doing a Load of Colours, and those worked just fine! As I turned the handle I heard a rattle from deep within the bowels of the condom machine. This was followed by a thump, a slam, a whistle and a tiny explosion. Finally something tumbled into the delivery slot. I reached in, pawed around a bit, and pulled out...

Well, that was unexpected.

This was quite the puzzle; I knew in my gut that all was not as it seemed with the condom machine, but I never in my wildest dreams imagined that it would contain a bad wrestling game. I was so surprised that my monocle didn't even pop out! If anything my eye socket clenched all the harder in stunned shock and dismay, assuring that there would be no popped monocles on this night. Needless to say, my curiousity was piqued, and I simply had to discover how it came to be that a video game cartridge wound up inside a device intended to dispense jim hats.

The first person I asked was Connie Chung, because Bitch Has Connections. We had a long back and forth conversation on the merits of war in Iraq and the role in the media before I got around to my own pressing matter. After explaining the situation to Connie she mentioned that Elizabeth Smart's kidnappers may have brainwashed the young girl. This seemed like a bit of a non sequitor, but Connie's tips never lead me wrong, so I turned off the television and went to Utah.

These guys are nuts
My trip to Salt Lake City was uneventful, other than the fact that the entire trip was completed on stilts. It was my hope that Elizabeth Smart might have been brainwashed to forget how a copy of WWF WarZone got into a condom machine in Waterloo, Ontario. Thus, in order to discover the truth I'd have to speak to her kidnappers. Since I had completely ignored the Smart kidnapping story, dismissing it as sensasionalist tripe, all I had to go on was the mug shots of the kidnappers. Fortunately it was rather easy to bribe the guards at Utah County Jail and House of Waffles to let me have a private audience with them using Utah's state fish: the Bonneville Cutthroat Trout.

They were wheeled into the room tied to gurneys and muzzled, and I was also wheeled into the room tied to a gurney and muzzled. During my in depth research I hadn't bothered to learn their names, so I named the one with the beard Chaz and the other one Phillip. Phillip objected strongly to me calling him Phillip until I was forced to shut him up by asking if he was on the rag. That out of the way, I started questioning Chaz.

ECG: Allright Chaz, you're in plenty of trouble, so why not make things a little easier on yourself and tell me how WWF WarZone got into my condom machine.

Chaz: What? What exactly are you talking about?

ECG: Look, I represent a very popular and respected website and also ECG DOT COM, and if you refuse to give me the answers I want you're in for a load of trouble! Maybe you'd like a demonstration?

I nodded to a guard, who, despite being tied to a gurney and muzzled managed to make a menacing face in Chaz's general direction.

Chaz: Hey, I read ECG DOT COM all the time and it never fails to spread funny jelly on my soul toast, but I'm telling you, I don't know what you're talking about!

ECG: Hmmm. Maybe Phillip here will be more forthcoming!

Phillip: Stop calling me Phillip, asshole!

ECG: Hey! You need to shut your smart mouth and stay in the kitchen where you belong!

Phillip: Fuck you!

ECG: Listen up, buddy, I can make life real tough for you! How would you like it if the underwire in all your bras just disappeared sometime?

Phillip: You wouldn't!

ECG: Wouldn't I?

Phillip: No, you wouldn't!


Chaz: You're a crazy person!

Those two continued to give me the runaround for an hour. No matter how many times I asked Chaz and directed vague threats at him he wouldn't crack. Phillip was a total lost cause, and probably a bad driver too. Eventually, the warden was wheeled in, tied to a gurney and muzzled, and told me my time was up.

And so I was thrown back out into the mean streets of Salt Lake, no closer to the truth than I started. I did get muzzled for a bit, which was pretty cool, but my mission was incomplete. I pulled the cartridge out of my pocket and looked for a clue. When I turned it over I discovered my own name printed on the back! Also, the equation "A.Y. + E.D." was carved into the plastic, surrounded by a heart. With a dreadfull sense of horror and dread I realized the horrible, dreadfull truth, which I dreaded because it was horrible. This was my own copy of WWF WarZone. Yes, I had spent many an hour smacking Golddust around, listening to his high-pitched squeals, yet it fell out of favour with the release of a superior game: any N64 game except Superman 64. Yet how did it get into the condom machine?

You can't trust this guy with your stuff.
Asking around a bit, I found out that my roommate had needed many condoms for floats in a tiny parade. When I asked what he was doing organizing tiny parades he simply shrugged and fluttered his hand around, pinky extended. I guess when you're that blatantly homosexual it's expected that you have some idiosyncrasies. Wait, no it's not--what a freak! Anyway, he'd used my cartridge to sort of wedge all the jim hats out of the dispenser, and it had gotten stuck up there.

So at long last I had solved the mystery of the cartridge. I had travelled all the way to Utah for no reason and found out that there was no great conspiracy to put the game in there. I also found that my roommate causes trouble by sticking foreign objects up cramped areas where you're not supposed to stick things, but I already knew that. I guess I really didn't learn anything from that whole experience, meaning this story has no moral (or morals) and is in fact a complete waste of time. Anyway, take care!

Hey, one of those kidnappers was a CHICK!

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