You are visitor 148166, a syphilis-carrying vactioning nimble steak-like beer
August 21, 2019

Survival... it's what defines the human race. Way back before we had lawnmowers that think and genital massaging machines we had to mow the lawn WITH OUR BARE HANDS and massage our genitals WITH OUR BARE HANDS! This isn't the type of lifestyle any sane person would want to go back to, but it's important to explore one's roots, and so let's take a collective metaphorical journey into the wilderness with...


Daring.  Intrepid.  Cold.
Here you see most of our daring adventurers before leaving for the camp site. Leaving this kind of luxury behind is tough, but we're Canadians, so we know tough. Leaving your cozy cave to head to northern Ontario where it's even colder might seem like lunacy to you, but you just don't understand what it means to be rugged. Rugged like Vikings playing rugby with a ball made out of the flesh-eating disease. Yep, we're one rugged batch of motherfuckers.

It's a very serious issue, I'll have you know.
Ok, this conversation might seem less than rugged when taken out of context, but what you dont' see is that we'd just finished killing bears with our penises and seconds after this shot we went bungee jumping, also with our penises.

Don't think this whole camping trip was gonna just be some giant penis-related sporting event, it's just that when you're this rugged your penis becomes leathery and versitile, making it a fine tool for any occasion. Ok, that didn't sound right. What I'm getting at here is that our penises are proportionally rugged when compared to the owners of said penises, and they are not props for some kind of very un-rugged mass penis party. Oh God, I just keep sinking.

Ah, the cheap showiness of nature.
Anyway, we eventually got to the camp site, and here you see a very pretty shot of the great outdoors. It doesn't look it, but this place had ruggedness out the hoo-ha. I mean, there weren't any T1 lines for miles!

The ruggedness was slightly reduced when we went over the hill and found a grotto literally crawling with women from Guelph. You'd have to live here to understand, but when a giant sausage party from Waterloo finds an unexpected gang of women from Guelph, you know there's gonna be trouble.

Unfortunately, women from Guelph know this and we were hit with a very rugged bath of mace. I love when they play hard to get. I'm pretty sure the one that booted my groin liked me. Hee hee.

It doesn't take long for a bunch of rugged dudes to conquer nature, and we conquered the shit out of nature. We stomped all over it, we dug in it, with cut it up. A few of us even urinated on it. Yep, it's safe to say our ruggedness was just too much for nature. Perhaps I'm not conveying the ruggedness properly; when the honeywagon driver was pumping our stool out of the flush toilets, we tried to explain to him just how rugged the poop he was pumping was. He totally agreed with us.

You might notice the random hockey player hanging around in the bushes here. He looked at our gang of smelly guys, cocked his head, then just walked away. Weird.

Worst.  Thing.  Ever.
Holy sassafras who gave Davin an axe? The second he saw this thing he mistook it for his collection of cuddly talking Teletubbies and began swinging it around wildly. On the long list of items I don't ever want Davin getting his hands on, large, sharp objects rank slightly below my big rugged penis. My only comfort was the knowledge that history has shown he's far more likely to injure himself than anyone else, especially if he were to attack someone.

That didn't take long.
True to form, here we see Dav-Dawwwwg attempting to turn himself into a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle by splitting his foot into two giant toes. Fortunately, this self-destructive bent is how he gets through life, and his botched attempts resulted in splitting some firewood. He does that all the time. Once, Davin tried to get hit by a bus and invented cold fusion. It was wild.

Hey, roomy!
Davin also felt left out by all our rugged woody penis games, and grabbed the nearest piece of corn to join in. Or maybe he was just turned on by the inherent sexiness of corn wrapped in tin foil, and really, can you blame him? Come to think of it, I think an ear of the stuff went missing...

This is rugged as all hell.
Here we are at night in the middle of the forest. We were taking a break from screaming, "Hello hungry bears, we're just a bunch of very tasty campers, please do not eat us, no matter how delicious we are. Especially Davin." to sit on some rocks and ruminate on how cold we were. Ruggedly.

Eventually it was time to go. Having conquered the very soul of nature it was time to retreat to the swampy crotch of civilization. No, not Jersey. We learned, we loved (ruggedly), we shared moments we'll remember for a lifetime. It was like an episode of Dawson's Creek with Special Guest Celebrity MacGuyver.

Until next time...
I'm a mega star.  Plzbleevit.

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