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July 27, 2017

Bush 2004: This Time It's Legitimate

Recently America Rocked The Vote in what was universally regarded as the most important election of their time. Boy, did they blow it. I mean, damn. Millions of people turned out to reelect people who seriously think blowing up sizeable portions people's homeland and forcing your own style of government on them will somehow reduce animosity.

However this is what the American people have chosen, so this is what the rest of us have to deal with. You inbred gang of sheep-fucking shiteaters. To understand what a fun four years we're in for, let's have a look at the key players in Bush's new cabinet, complete with helpful visual aids. And visual AIDS! ECG DOT COM is a full service website, and has therefore just given you AIDS.


An unbiased look at the President of the good ol' U.S. of A. For a look at how he looks to his supporters, click on the picture.
President: George W. Bush
After famously humiliating debate losses, a shamefully negative and misleading ad campaign, and some extremely convenient terror warnings everybody's favourite smirkin' cowboy is back in power. This time the results gave him the clear victory, inspiring horror felt round the world. Thanks to crazy-ass gun culture one of the safest nations in the world feels that the best solution to the problem of global terrorism is to shoot first and avoid questions later. President Bush is the man for that job.

When 9/11 happened we were all a little bit American. I even gained a few pounds, I was so American. Then Dubya started shooting his mouth off, which, when you're President, contains many large guns. If being a target for terrorists gave people a license to run around acting like barbarians I'd be slapping the taste out of random nurses on a regular basis. Damned nurse-based terrorism. They didn't botch that enema; I know all about their conspiracy. What I'm getting at is the international good will was pretty much farted into the wind during Bush's first term, pretty much the last thing you need to do if you want a reduction in crazies who want to kill off your populace.


The man, the myth, the legend, calling the shots from the background, possibly while triggering a supervirus.
Vice-President: Dick Cheney
Cheney gets a lot of flack for being pure evil and for running the administration from the sidelines with ruthless resolve. That's certainly well-deserved, but a lot of people neglect how even someone who's pure evil can also be a soft and cuddly teddy bear. For instance, when he drowns puppies he knits little sweaters for them first, so that they don't get too cold. Or when he's assembling a death ray to pulverize simpering wimps he writes nice little thank you cards to the technicians who designed it before incinerating them alive so they won't talk.

Bush/Cheney 2000 ran on a platform of caring conservatives, which is exactly how I'd describe the content of that first term. This time around he isn't playing; the pussies are out, and now it's time for Dick. However it is a little comforting to know that all the violence and tyranny is mostly coming from this guy, and not the moron he "works for" ... right?

Actually, this might be a good time for all you Yankees to move to Canada, except for the fact that he's going to bomb Canada next month. P.S., Canadians: don't make any long term plans, hippies.


Some might argue that this is no way to present a highly edjucated woman who holds an extremely high office.
Secretary of State: Condoleezza Rice
When Colin Powell confirmed that he was stepping down as Secretary of State Bush needed someone to fill the role. He needed someone with intelligence, integrity, resolve, gumption, pizzazz, guts, strength, willpower, perseverence, adjective, another adjective and intelligence. But what he needed even more was someone who would gladly go along with everything he said. He needed Condoleezza Rice.

Some might make the argument that giving the person in charge of national security during 9/11 a promotion is a wee bit ridiculous, but those people are foolish flip-flopping liberal scum. As every news reporter who's ever learned English pointed out shortly after her nomination, Ms. Rice is extremely well-edjucated, plus she's black. Really, it's quite provable! Her four years serving as a toadying yes-woman have fully prepared her for the rigors of international negotiation. She's gonna negotiate so well she's gonna make that fag Powell cry.

Rice's area of expertise was Soviet-era Russia, and this is exactly the kind of specialized knowledge that will serve her well in today's political climate. Seriously, Russia is pretty close to the Middle East, and scary white guys aren't much different than crazy brown guys. She'll hit the ground running. Don't worry about it. What's the worst she could do, bring anthrax to the U.N. and spout a bunch of bullshit? Relax!


Some might argue that this is no way to present a highly edjucated man who holds an extremely high office. But it's so hot.
Secretary of England: Tony Blair
Back for another round is President Bush's trusted correspondant on all matters British. With Tony riding side-saddle he stomped some third-world countries real good. No matter how sketchy the evidence or how contrary the opinion of actual British people, Tony was always there, and don't think Bush hasn't noticed. Why, just last week the President actually shook Blair's hand! In public!

As head of the Department of England Secretary Blair has had a rough time. In the U.S. Republic of England the media actually calls you on stuff when you're full of shit, and you have to talk to them every day. As if Iraq hasn't been enough of a problem he's had to deal with a huge controversy over banning fox hunting. Seriously. The stress must be huge, and I have doubts that he'll stay on in the position until, oh, say May 2005. Still, keep that upper lip stiff, T.!


This woman is the future mother of my children.
Secretary of Secretaries: Martha Jimbles
Having all these Secretaries kicking around the White House makes it tricky to keep track of all of them. Thus there's a single, dependable resource to go to when you need some kind of secretary-related task to be performed.

Martha Jimbles has spent 28 years secretarying and kicking communist fucking ass. Her unique approach, known as the Jimbles Doctrine has won worldwide respect and admiration, which is something this Administration needs in SPADES. Bush is goddamn lucky to have such a skilled secretary to take the cover off his pudding cups. That's not a euphemism; it would be if this were about Clinton's cabinet; Bush really needs help with his pudding cups.


This woman is the mother of my children.
Secretary of Secretaries' Secretary: Judy Billimer
Being secretary to a whole Administration is a hell of a job. Thus Martha Jimbles went out and hired her own ass-kicking secretary, to take care of all the little details that go along with being secretary to the Secretaries.

It's a thankless job, replete with many confusing conversations about your exact role in the organisation, but at the end of the day it's a rewarding job.


This woman is my child.
Secretary of Secretaries' Secretary's secretary: Oprah Tulley
Ok, that's about enough of this.


Mmmmmm, salty.
Secretary of Assasination: The Pretzel
A ways back President Bush almost succumbed to the effects of choking on a pretzel. He managed to escape with only a big bruise after passing out and smacking his face on a table. This is public record. What we DIDN'T know until now, however, is that the pretzel was in fact a highly trained assassin, sent to take out the Commander-In-Chief before he could misunderestimate again.

The Pretzel was sneaky, stealthy and deadly, but it ultimately failed due to preventative cocaine use, which kept the President's airways nice and loose, ready for more sweet, sweet blow. So Bush survived, but so did the Pretzel, who went into hiding in His Presidentalness' bowels. When it emerged (heh) that the Pretzel had in fact survived the experience, Bush had two options: destroy this crafty assassin, leaving him blind to further attempts on his life, or embrace it, turning it's extensive killing knowledge to his advantage. Bush chose to give the Pretzel a job in the CIA's top secret Assassination Bureau, displacing a highly respected apple with a razor blade in it.

After the election, Bush promoted the Pretzel to Secretary of Assassination. Whether this was through merit or fear is anyone's guess, but it's safe to say that the next four years will be tense ones for the President. God, political intrigue makes my nipples rock hard.

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