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June 26, 2019

The Exclusive ECG DOT COM Review of Blue Crush

You read right, for the very first time ECG DOT COM is bringing the sneak peek goodness with a fresh and jiggy review of this coming Friday's Blue Crush! Now, I haven't actually SEEN the movie, however in today's modern era of media overload, one can get a pretty good grasp on the new releases with a few quick web searches. Let's take a look at the plot, as described by IFILM:

A group of girls combs the beach in search of the best waves--that is until a hot guy starts distracting one of them. Will she stay true to herself, or waste her talent in the confusion of lust?

Reading that should grab you by the roots of your heart strings right away. Like a Tarintino plot, every word in that plot synopsis is like a thousand dropkicks, each one of them aimed at the part of your brain in charge going, "What the fuck? Am I in a utopia, or at least a distopia that has yet to go sour? (See: 1984, Lord of the Flies) The movie wizards are clearly operating with a high THACO, or low THACO, or whatever, as they just may have recaptured the magic that was Bring It On, and on film no less.

The first step to reviewing a film to to look at the trailer. Having never paid attention to the trailer, as I am usually distracted by the hillarious antics of Pud from the Bubble Yum comics, I turned to my old friend, the Internet. It turns out that there are sites that review movie trailers, which is totally sweet, 'cause although they cut the movie down to three minutes, that's two minutes fifty seconds of wasted time. Anyway, I found the following review over at the very spiritually named Box Office Prophets:

...the trailer makes no bones about the fact that this is a movie about surfing and surfers. ...the movie is about surfing. And surfers. Who apparently, judging from the trailer, are all young and good-looking and mostly blondes.

So if you're into surfing and/or watching vacuous, pretty young people surf, then this is likely going to be your favorite movie of the summer. Personally, I'd rather have a sharp stick in the eye, but that's just me.

This is quite educational.
Let me take a moment to explain the functionality of the bikini using this closeup of Kate Bosworth's hip and bit of her crotch. The "hip" and the "thigh" are separated from each other using only a slender "string". This is totally "awesome".
This sounds like quite the motion picture! We're talking Cruel Intentions good! But that last note about the stick in the eye gives me a little pause. Wet blondes in bikinis sounds like good old fashioned cinema to me, however from the sounds of it there's some kind of horrible torture involved. Perhaps the ceiling of the theatre drips acid at certain moments, in order to let the audience experience the burning passion of the on screen characters. If this is the case, I feel this teaser reviewer is being far too close-minded; this is the kind of daring cinematography that gives the motion picture industry the respect it enjoys today! This is a similar technique to the one used by the porno industry, where you watch the movie while holding your penis in your fist, thus almost making you a part of the action, and not a sad loner with a thing for furries. Yeah, I'm talking to you.

An innovative new gimmick does not necessarily mean a great movie, however. i.e. consider Schindler's List with that whole 'Nazi' gimmick. What was that all about? What this movie needs to do is be biger than the gimmick. It needs to rise up and be a great movie on it's own right, like Barbarella. Since most VCRs don't come with acid spraying attachments, I would hope the filmmakers considered this, or at least will include such an attachment with the tape.

What I hope to do now is ascertain how this picture will turn out based on some promotional stills. For this to work correctly I must be 100% a part of the film. I"ve spread sand on my floor and I am, in fact wearing a bikini. Here we go.

An action shot.  This took four days to film.
First off, here's a young lady who does indeed wear a bikini. Every inch of what I said earlier about thought provoking and drop kicking and all that is right here. However it's entirely possible all that was crammed into this one shot, much like I did with my own movie, Ninja Cow-Kickers In Space. And They're Cheerleader Choreographers.:
Action that the Matrix people can only dream of

Sassy standing around action
At first this shot is a little disappointing, as no one is in a bikini, and this is gonna cost them an Emmy or whatever. However, on closer inspection we can see that the two surfer chicks appear to be 'sassing' someone. Giving 'sass' is the kind of thing that got Tom Hanks all those great roles in classics such as That Thing You Do! and The Burbs. Also, you can just about see the crotch of that one girl in the middle!

The good stuff!
Whoa! Here it is! Wet blondes (and non-blonde) in bikinis! And the continuity folks are on their A game, as they have surfboards here! I'm willing to ignore the fact that they're walking in the wrong direction to go surfing, and are simply making a trip to change into different bikinis. This picture is quality!

That's not a bikini!
Aww, yeah, here we... HEY! What the FUCK??? What happened to the chicks in bikinis??? That are wet??? Nononono, this is completely unacceptable! I'm writing my state representitive immediately, right after the last picture.

Maybe they'll kiss!
That's better. When these girls aren't riding phat waves or laying down some 'sass', they snuggle like open-minded twin sisters. And that's the way I like 'em.

In conclusion, I feel that based on the evidence provided, though this movie features almost certain permanent disfiguration for watching it in the form of an acid shower, it's unique combination of wet blondes in bikinis will help it steamroll over the competition like one of those surfboards they use at monster truck rallys. Wait, maybe I'm thinking of a monster truck... yes, I was thinking of a monster truck. Anyway, Blue Crush gets an ECG DOT COM thumbs up!

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