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August 21, 2017

The Day It Went Dark

Kicking ass for justice!
All butt-kicking in this article has been supplied by Masuimi Max.
It started as a normal enough day. I was at my day job, shooting perfectly balanced peanuts off of Masuimi Max's nipples with a crossbow while blindfolded, simultaneously carving an ice sculpture with a chainsaw, the sculpture also featuring Masuimi Max's nipples. Then the power went out.

At first I didn't notice because I was blindfolded, and also the chainsaw drowned out the startled cries of my bikini-clad throng of admirers. However soon enough my highly tuned senses kicked in and I smelled danger.

In an instant the blindfold was off and I tumbled across the room, coming up in a crouch with a broom in hand. I feared that the sudden darkness would herald an attack by the insidious SARS Commando Squad. I had foiled their malevolent schemes earlier in the summer with the help of Keith Richards and the Isley Brothers, but I dared not take any chances. Those guys don't forget.

I heard movement in the darkness. It couldn't have been Masuimi Max as these were the sounds of a clothed person. Quickly, I shot the broom out, sweeping the intruder off their feet. In a fraction of a second I had pinned the person down and raised the broom to deliver a killing blow. At the last second a flashlight flicked on, and what it revealed stayed my hand.

"What'chu steppin' on me, fool?"

The angry face staring up at me belonged to none other than former child actor and gubernatorial hopeful Gary Coleman.

"You're a long way from California, Coleman," I said coolly.

"Yeah, man, I was looking for you!"

I eyed him suspiciously. Even midget child actors can be dangerous, especially since this one was coloured. "Why would a tiny person like you be looking for me?"

"I'm here to help you stopů them!"

"Who, the SARS Commandos? They've already been taken care of," I hoped.

What'chu talkin' 'bout SARS? I'm talkin' 'bout the guys that had the power shut down!"

Gary Coleman went on to explain that there was a secret consortium in operation that worked to bring the power grid to its knees for their own evil ends. What those ends were he did not know, however he informed me that they had done similar works in California a little while back. He had discovered all this while working security for Susan Powders, who, as it turns out, is remarkably well connected.

Coleman was trying to become governor of California in an attempt to stop them, but it was too late, he sobbed. I cradled the weeping security guard's little head in a gentle yet manly way until all the despair had been cried right out of him.

"There there, Gary Coleman, there there."

At last I decided that it was time to take care of business.

On to part 2!