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August 21, 2017

An April Fools Day Article

Greetings! Today is April First, the Official Day of Being Funny! Here at ECG DOT COM we're straight-laced straight-shooting straight-orientated 364 days a year, however on this day laces get crooked, shooting goes horribly awry and gay literally explodes from my anus. Yes, I, just like every other person on the planet will use today to bust out some hijinx, fresh and tender for all to enjoy!

What sets an ECG DOT COM prank apart from pranks pulled by every other loose-shoed bad shooting fag out there is that I have some business trying to be funny. As a comic mega-god I understand and respect the nuance and timing of properly constructed hilarity. It's not an easy thing to learn, but I have put long hours into my craft and am fully qualified to produce quality work for you.

The biggest problem with April Fool's Day is that the vast majority of people are unfunny jerks (No offence to you, you unfunny jerk. Still, go to hell), and their inept swatting about in a weak attempt to deliver comedy gold will more than likely fail miserably. Here's what the typical moron will do:

1. Make up some story about something horrible happening, like their wife having her head torn off while giving birth, or their welfare check bouncing.
2. Tell their story to somebody, and pretend that it's all real.
3. Just as the person is starting to feel like shit, turn around and go, "LOL! Gotcha!"
4. Have furious inter-species sexual relations.

Now all that is fun and games year round, however there are two things most morons fail to recognize. First, it's not exactly a joke because the only person on the planet who actually finds this funny is the moron himself. Anybody can make themselves laugh. I'm laughing right now, for no reason! I'm getting a few strange looks, but eccentricity is an attractive trait in Internet cafes. Secondly, when everybody pulls this shit all day long it really gets on everybody else's nerves, and, being the bad comics they are, the morons keep it up despite the fact that everybody they meet would really like to kick their berries off.

Things get really out of hand when these brain dead granny humpers have the means to broadcast their wit to the world at large. In the hands of a skilled idiot what is normally a reliable source of useful content becomes a cum-sucking piss-bag of horrible horrible pain and woe. For instance, a fair portion of the Internet will be totally useless today as everybody races to put up wonderful gag articles. This will naturally snowball as various shitheels read about how Microsoft bought every porno company in the U.S. and will be releasing overpriced porn that occasionally contains gay bondage footage where no gay bondage footage is desired. These shitheels will then waste no time telling everybody else about this fantastic news, at which point they will be told for the millionth time that it's a prank and have their berries kicked off.

Anyway, I've gone on at length about how the retards do April Fools, it's high time I get to how ECG DOT COM does it right. First of all, the entire "prank" concept is old hat; it's time for something fresh and exciting, something that screams "April Fools". That something special is just this simple: rodeo clowns with bazookas. I've taken the liberty of hiring an army of heavily armed rodeo clowns, and right after a busy day of getting hit by bulls and having no dignity they'll run rampant through the world's cities, firing at anything and everything. You may wonder how a mob of wacky animal handlers blowing shit up constitutes sure fire laughs, but I can say for certain that I'll be laughing my glutes off. You may note that earlier on I was complaining incessantly about people who make jokes that only they can laugh at, however the difference here is that then I was talking about stuff they made up, while in this case the rodeo clowns' ammo will be 100% for real. After the carnage I will furiously hump a camel, because even typical morons have good ideas for April Fools.

If you take one thing from this article I hope it's the knowledge that making a bunch of stupid pranks just because it's the first of April is a dumb idea and it only serves to make the world less funny. If you manage to learn something else it's that I'm awesome and totally kick ass. Bow before me, for I am the Law.

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P.S. APRIL FOOLS, I SUCK!

No, just kidding, I rule hard.