You are visitor 147946, a syphilis-carrying vactioning back flipping arrogant aunt
July 17, 2019

01.16.2002 7:08 PM

With school and all I haven't updated in what feels like forever, however I've noticed that during this period my traffic has spiked a bit. Naturally, this leads me to the conclusion that the less I post, the more hits I get. Thus I can now promise you NO NEW CONTENT! That's right! Bask in the glories of totally outdated articles! Wrestle with your inner demons as you peruse the same article again and again! ECG DOT COM: It's all old, all the time!

With this newfound hit-count muscle I'll be able to start selling ad space and thus retire to some Carribean island to drink margaritas on the beach while laughing at the little people. It will sound like this: "*SLURP* Hmmm, I wonder what the commoners are doing? AHAHAHAHAHA!"

Of course any marketing strategist will be able to tell you that in order to profit from advertising you have to use a sound financial model (Random dot-com exec: What the~!? OH SHIT!!!). Here's the plan: I'll start off with standard banner ads like this one:

Click here for baby crotch!

Products like these will no doubt provide steady income, as market research shows that 100% of people who see ads for your site on your own site will go to your site. You can't argue with numbers!

Furthermore, to really boost my cash I'll introduce SUPER pop-ups, which are like pop-ups only with THEME MUSIC! The song, "Amazing X10 Camera For My Bitches" by Jay-Z and newcomer kiddie rapper L'il Hammer will earn a grammy for best pop-up song and bring in even more revenue.

Of course the final step will be to make this a pay site, as I will charge vistors by the letter to read my old content, then I'll cleverly sneak in scripts to make this their homepage! AHAHAHAHA!

Oh wait, wait.... ohhhh kayyyyyy.... I just realized that's all totally retarded. I'd better not post this or people will think I'm a looney. I'll just hit the "don't post" button, which is dangerously close to the "post" button... anndddddd there we go. Ok.